


Midnight Hours

by toojuns



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Childhood Friends, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up Together, M/M, Miscommunication, Non-Linear Narrative, Podcast, and that's all we can hope for, donghyuck is hard of hearing, jenos a disaster of a human being but he's trying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:06:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29134524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toojuns/pseuds/toojuns
Summary: Childhood soulmates, late night podcasts, unrequited crushes and midnight encounters.Donghyuck needs help and Jeno doesn’t know if he can handle being the fake boyfriend.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno
Comments: 9
Kudos: 125
Collections: Love Dream 2020





	Midnight Hours

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RedCherrySugar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedCherrySugar/gifts).



> before starting, please make sure you have **enabled the author's skins** for this work! The text messages sometimes won't make sense if the skin isn't enabled 
> 
> Thank you to the mods for this wonderful round and for being lovely and patient with all of us, it's been a pleasure writing for the dream exchange!!  
> JOY!! I kinda have a bone to pick with you because all your prompts were amazing and you made me backpedal with my decisions so much, I hope you like this rollercoaster ride; you said I could make this one explicit and honestly I don't even know, haha im sorry i hope youre having a wonderful week. Happy valentines day!!
> 
> I did create a [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ERbsfbjLdFrMbefC3JXdW) for this fic and that's the one thing that made me power through and finish it on time, you all should listen to pink skies because that's THE nohyuck song here, cmon.  
> have fun!!

Donghyuck  
  
Ok, but how much do you truly love me? ❤️🧡💛💚💜💙  
  


It all starts with a cursed message, one with too many hearts, one Jeno should've ignored from the getgo. He never wanted to get caught up in this mess, but it's been getting hard to say no to Donghyuck now that he realizes how desperately in love he is with his friend. 

And desperately it is because the exact moment he read that message, Jeno storms into Renjun's room—he makes sure to stay out of the boy's reach so his roommate couldn't kill him—, not caring that by now it's the middle of the night, or that he could've caught Renjun in unfortunate circumstances. 

Jeno turns the lights on, bumping into Renjun's desk — which was too big for the room, and Jeno would always point that out, getting a precise set of directions to the place he could go fuck himself —, and flashes the bright light of his phone display. 

"What do you think this means?" Jeno asks, showing the text message to his other friend. Thank goodness Jeno bought those easy to slip in sneakers; if Renjun wants to get to him, he would be out the door running in a matter of ten seconds.

"I can't see," Renjun groans, eyes shut and voice low, "I've gone blind."

"It's the middle of the night," Jeno explains, "and Donghyuck wants to talk about _love_."

Renjun takes a while to understand what's the matter, or even what Jeno is talking about. Donghyuck had just gone through a heartbreak, they all knew about it, but he wasn't one to send flirty texts in the middle of the night to Jeno, especially not to Jeno. 

"He's your _best_ friend." Renjun tries to reason with the wall that is Jeno's mind; he is too groggy to remember that Jeno isn't going to take any explanation that it isn't the one he has already crafted inside his head.

"You're my best friend."

"I'm nothing to you," Renjun shoves a pillow to his own face; Jeno isn't sure if it was to protect him from the light or if his friend was trying to kill himself in the most absurd way possible, "from today on, don't even talk to me."

"I'm serious," he takes Renjun's covers, and Renjun's screaming would have woken up the rest of their apartment complex if he kept at it, "please? I'm really freaking out."

Renjun groans again but manages to get up on his elbows, opening one eye up to look at his roommate. Cursed was the day he thought it was a good idea to leave the dorms and room in with Jeno; they were both majoring in broadcasting, so it was nice to have solidarity inside the home, but it surely didn't make up for the constant pining Jeno did.

It was partially Renjun's fault too, so he couldn't even be that mad about it. Jeno lived in a state of denial of feelings since high school —maybe even longer—, and no one before dared to snap him out of it. But Renjun didn't know Jeno before college; he could only talk about his experiences from the day they met and onwards. 

And, unfortunately, one day, Renjun did the unthinkable.

"So when did you realize you were in love with him?" Renjun asked Jeno the first night they moved in, as soon as they were done with their food and were just casually sitting around their bare living room, drinking warm —and nasty— cheap beer.

Therefore, it was kind of Renjun's fault, but not really if he were to be asked. He couldn't have figured out Jeno was that deep in denial or that madly in love since all he had to go from was the first year they had spent together. He only saw Donghyuck when Jeno was around but knew everything about the boy since Jeno just wouldn't shut up about him. It was natural to make those sorts of connections. 

"What?" Jeno asked, confused.

They had spent the last hour of their lives telling each other stories about their childhoods, recalling incidents from when they hadn't met yet, and naturally, that moved into Donghyuck territory.

Jeno had known Donghyuck almost all his life, their parents being best friends. They met when they were six, and Donghyuck's parents had just moved back to Korea. From that moment on, they spent every single holiday together, from easter to Christmas, every special occasion on Jeno's mind was clouded with Donghyuck. Jeno and Donghyuck didn't hit it off when they first met, Donghyuck was too energetic, and Jeno was too soft-spoken—a combination that made them both uncomfortable. Still, since their families would always hang around each other, they had to live with it. 

"Oh my god," Donghyuck once complained, "speak up."

"No," Jeno was starting to get fed up with Donghyuck's outbursts, so he decided that day to be extra petty, "learn to hear."

For the first time, Donghyuck punched Jeno. Right on the mouth, and it bled too. They fought, and they didn't see each other during the next holiday—but only because they both were still grounded. 

"What?" Jeno was brought back from his memories thanks to Renjun's stupid question. 

He was back in his new living room with his new roommate; Jeno wasn't eight anymore, but twenty-one. And Renjun was asking him the weirdest question he'd ever heard.

"with Donghyuck, when did you realize?" Renjun tried again, taking a sip of his beer—he wasn't even making a frown at the beer's horrible taste, and Jeno was sure his roommate was a sociopath. 

"I'm not in love with Donghyuck." 

That was ridiculous; Donghyuck was his _friend_ , his longest and most vital friendship. Sure, he loved Donghyuck, loved his smiles and his wit, but he wasn't _in_ love with Donghyuck. Jeno was pretty sure he had a crush on the guy who took photography classes with him; he couldn't be in love with someone else.

"What?" Renjun almost spat out his beer; he faked a sweet voice, "buddy, did you hit your head?"

His stance was condescending, and there was a repressed smile lost somewhere in Renjun's face, which only made Jeno more appalled. 

"Stop patronizing me," Jeno huffed, "I'm not in love with my best friend, Renjun."

"Have you heard how you talk about him?"

"Yeah?" Jeno was exasperated, leave it to Renjun to make things awkward, "cause he's awesome?"

Objectively speaking, Jeno was right. There wasn't someone in this entire world as remarkable as his best friend, Donghyuck. 

Donghyuck, with his witty comebacks, strong personality, and loving side, was everything Jeno could ever want in a friend. He cared, but he was blunt about it; everything with Donghyuck was funnier. He brought the light to the room and had the same power to take it away; Jeno was sure just the sound of his friend's laughter could cure a bad week. 

"Oh," Renjun laughed, a little too honest because of the alcohol, "you've gotta be kidding me."

"What?"

"Okay," Renjun smiled, "just hear me out."

A year later, and he had finally given in to his feelings. The moment Renjun made him aware of them, it was the moment that made everything too grand to hide. In a matter of seconds, the place reserved for Donghyuck inside Jeno's mind was broken into, and all the secrets poured out. Feelings, too powerful for Jeno's little immature heart, were awakened, and it started to get real. 

Unfortunately for Renjun, that also meant he was the one who usually had to listen to Jeno cry all day because he was in love with his best friend. 

So, it wasn't all that foreign Jeno coming into his room in the middle of the night to seek advice, but he usually had the decency to let Renjun sleep at least. Today, however, there was a weird tone in his voice, and Renjun couldn't let it pass. 

"What happened?"

"Donghyuck sent me a text," Jenolies next to Renjun, this time adjusting the screen's brightness so his friend could see what was written, "what do you think?"

Renjun tries to peek with only one of his eyes open, any light still being too much, and the excessive amount of hearts were definitely too much at midnight, "he's asking you a question."

"What do I answer?"

"Tell him to go fuck himself," Renjun says, "it's the middle of the night, Jeno. Go to bed."

"It's not that late, grandpa," Jeno pokes him and gets a pillow thrown at his face, his eyes water because of it, but he lets it slide, "you promised you'd help me."

Renjun hates how soft he could get when it comes to Jeno, and he feels responsible too. A few months after they started living together, Renjun told Jeno he would be his confidant, and after that, he became an expert in all things Donghyuck—all because of his roommate.

Renjun takes a deep breath before talking again, trying to organize his thoughts.

"I mean it," Renjun says, "this is me helping, don't answer it right now."

"Why not?"

"Because it's late at night," Renjun tries to take Jeno's cellphone from his hand, but he's still too groggy to have fast reflexes, "and people do stupid things at this hour."

Jeno feels the need to add that Donghyuck didn't need any silly hour to make something stupid; he had always been a master at creating chaos at any given time. It's always been Jeno the one to stop him, or at least soften the blow.

"He could be in danger," Jeno tries to reason.

"He took his time to type out rainbow hearts," Renjun scoffs, turning to his side, "he's fine."

Jeno stays looking at Renjun's ceiling for a while; his friend's room had belonged to a child before they leased it, so it had glow in the dark stars on it—something that they both didn't know before, and fought to see who would get that room after. 

Donghyuck, despite being Jeno's best friend, isn't one to text in the middle of the night. They spent thousand nights together, but neither of them reached out to the other when it was already dark; it had always been outings in which they lost track of time and ended up together until dawn. This, somehow, feels new, and Jeno isn't sure if he likes it or not; all he knows is that he can feel his heart on his throat, and he's ghosting Donghyuck for a while now.

"I think I should at least send him something," Jeno says, waiting for Renjun to cut him off.

Renjun doesn't, but only because he's already asleep again, as Jeno recognizes when he sits back on the bed, glancing towards his friend. They had a long day, and finals were just around the corner; between that and Renjun's club activities, it's clear the boy is tired.

"I'm gonna text him back," Jeno murmurs to his friend, voice soft enough he _knows_ Renjun can't hear.

"Yes, Jeno," Jeno whispers, imitating Renjun's voice, "you're so smart!"

Risking having Renjun nag him for the entire week, Jeno gives in and replies to Donghyuck. 

Donghyuck  
  
Ok, but how much do you truly love me? ❤️🧡💛💚💜💙  
what do u need?  
  


  
  


🎙️

  
  


Jeno and Donghyuck only truly became friends after that first fight they had, in which Donghyuck punched Jeno, burst his lip, and had to go a month without his Nintendo DS. Jeno's parents, on the other hand, upon hearing what happened, also didn't let him go to his school trip at the end of the year, not until Jeno apologized to Donghyuck. 

He refused—it didn't make any sense to him why Jeno would have to apologize since he was the one who got punched. It bled too; he reminded his fathers every chance he could. 

"You have to understand," his father explained, "Hyuck has a hard time hearing, so what you said was really mean."

Donghyuck had a hearing impairment and was still trying to get used to his hearing aids. He had just been diagnosed after over a year of receiving complaints from school. His auditory nerve had never been fully developed, and it took some time for the doctors to figure it out.

Jeno not only was too soft-spoken, but he also didn't enunciate things clearly; most of his phrases were a jumble of quick words and creations he and his friends marveled on. He took a lot of pride in it but never thought about how other people would hear him — Jeno never had to worry about that. 

At seven years old, Jeno was not only a little bit of an asshole, but he also didn't quite grasp the idea of someone being hard of hearing. He had been warned before, his parents explaining to the best of their ability, but Jeno didn't remember that fact when Donghyuck was mean to him back. 

After getting immensely frustrated with his own condition—having to miss soccer practice to go to speech therapy— Donghyuck, as a seven-year-old, was sensitive about his situation. Reading lips was still hard, and getting scolded in class for talking too loud when he didn't know he was also hurt. 

"You think he's sad?" Jeno asked.

"He might be," his father replied, "you should write him a letter."

"But he punched me!"

"Well," his other father, Doyoung, appeared in the room, "you kinda deserved it."

Looking back at it, Jeno's fathers were also a bit of assholes themselves.

He did, however, write the letter. His fathers helped him too, although he never dared to give to Donghyuck himself. It was probably for the best too, Doyoung proofread the entire thing and changed the wording a lot, so even Jeno couldn't understand most of what was written anymore. 

As it turned out, they didn't need letters. The next time they saw each other, Donghyuck had gotten himself into battleship and, being the only two kids in a room full of adults, they spent the entire day playing the board game. 

Donghyuck had a habit of talking about his strategy without realizing Jeno could hear him at all; Jeno, on the other hand, was too predictable with the placement of his ships. Their matches were quick, and it ended with mutual destruction most of the time, the winner being the one who started the game. 

They were kids nonetheless, so they didn't mind. At the end of the day, Donghyuck let Jeno keep his board game, a sign of truce, and ever since then, they were inseparable. 

Jeno learned, after a while, things to help out with their communication. Enunciation was a pretty big part of why he liked broadcasting so much; his speech was proper, not because he thought it looked cool, but because Jeno couldn't wait to share his news with Donghyuck most of the time. So he learned, practiced, and that doesn't mean Donghyuck sometimes has to tell him to go slow with the storytelling, but it happened far less. 

Those things were never a bother; Jeno liked looking at Donghyuck when they talked to each other, and movies with subtitles even helped him understand the plot better. 

He did, however, pick up the worst habit of his life because of Donghyuck: walking backwards. 

Whenever they were coming back from school—Jeno and Donghyuck were in the same grade but different classrooms—, Jeno took that time to catch up with what happened that day or tell his friend about the new game he bought that month, so walking backwards became the norm. 

The only thing Jeno did not understand was that no, he wasn't invincible, and no, he didn't remember all the obstacles on his way back home. Whenever they were too engrossed in their conversation, Donghyuck forgot to warn him about where they were going, and Jeno would usually hit plaques, bikes, and any other standing object. When Donghyuck was paying attention, he would pull Jeno to him and out of danger.

Sometimes, not _all_ the time, those actions would make Jeno's body tingle, and he risked being mauled over by a pedestrian over stop concentrating on Donghyuck for a second. 

Other than numerous bruises and falls because of Jeno's own stubbornness, being friends with Donghyuck shaped up to be the best decision he made for his teenage years. 

Being with Donghyuck had a calming feeling, even with the turmoil that was high school. Jeno could just sit back and watch as Hyuck owned every room he stepped into, amazed everyone he talked to. He was fun to be around, all weird humor and confident laughter. 

  
  


🎙️

  
  


Donghyuck  
  
coffee @ 8?  
  


There's only one thing in the entire world that Jeno is genuinely afraid of. He knows how to deal with cockroaches and how to do his taxes —courtesy from his panic state of thinking that this was something he needed to learn to live alone in a dorm—, so he thinks he pretty much got everything covered. 

The only thing he is terrified of is Donghyuck and his plans. They never go well for Jeno, not even once. They usually end with Donghyuck pulling the innocent card—and he's such a good actor people actually believe him—, and Jeno being too flustered to think of anything other than apologizing—especially since he wants to make sure he still has good karma after all the stunts Donghyuck makes him go through.

One time, Donghyuck even convinced Jeno to break into their school at midnight and fill the basketball's locker room with shaving cream. Donghyuck's ex-boyfriend was the captain, and they spent months of their allowance on buying that much shaving cream, which backfired tremendously when all the surveillance cameras caught them sneaking in. It took one call from the principal to get Jeno crying, and Donghyuck almost kicked his ass.

In the grand scheme of things, this really isn't a big favor. It doesn't even require much physical labor, and Jeno has done far worse for Donghyuck only to see the boy smile. Donghyuck is uncontrollable, a menace when he fixates on something, but there is always a line he doesn't cross.

This line, as Jeno realized before, is making Jeno uncomfortable. They know each other well enough not to pressure the other into doing things they might regret or putting them in a position where their relationship could suffer. Donghyuck loves Jeno too much to ever make him feel bad; he loves Jeno in the way he searches for the boy after a rough day, the way he's the first text after receiving good news, and the way Jeno is the only guy in the world who Donghyuck would give up his own dreams to help Jeno chase his.

"I panicked, alright?" Donghyuck tries to explain, messy hair and stumbling words, "the last thing I knew, I agreed to it."

It's a little ridiculous to think Donghyuck could get that flustered over something, especially when it came to boys, but he looks completely disheveled, desperation dripping out of his eyes. There's some poetic justice, Jeno thinks, for all of those times Donghyuck managed to break other people's hearts without even trying. 

Jeno, on the other hand, is starting to like the story. He doesn't mean to make fun of his friend, but he can't help but picture the scene leading up to this moment. They both sat at a coffee shop, Donghyuck creating half a shitty plan and trying to lure Jeno into it. 

"You could've just made it vague," Jeno proposes, finding it funny how the light in Hyuck's eyes seems to fade after every second. He could deem it concerning, but he knows Donghyuck well enough to understand it's just a matter of time until he gets back up. 

"Are you telling me you're not gonna help me?" 

_There it is._ The glint in his eyes is back, and it's mischievous—as if Donghyuck has a card in his pocket he hasn't shown yet. Knowing Donghyuck, he probably does. 

"Because if I remember correctly," Donghyuck starts, "rule twelve of the best friend pact says you have to help me if I'm in trouble."

Jeno scoffs, "you're embarrassed cause your crush thought you liked him," Donghyuck dives in for another bite of his cake and clinks the fork on the plate loud enough to gather eyes on them, "which is, you know, _true_."

Donghyuck winces from the truth in Jeno's words but does not back down. He's always stubborn like that. 

"It is not."

"Donghyuck," Jeno smiles, "that's literally what you just said."

"Well, I'm dating," Donghyuck says, "which is precisely why I do not like him."

"Dating me," Jeno tries saying, more to himself so he can test the waters with his own feelings before agreeing upon such a ridiculous plot. He can't seem to stop the butterflies in his stomach, so he drowns them in coffee. 

"Yeah," Donghyuck agrees, excited with the idea. He's cruel, without even realizing it. All the people who had crushes on Donghyuck should be able to see him right now; they need to be avenged, "our twelfth rule says you have to."

"That's such a low blow," Jeno should know by now Donghyuck is capable of pulling on those emotional strings, "we made those when you were bitten by that dog, it's not the same."

When they were younger, back when Jeno got obsessed with baseball, they used to practice a lot on the streets leading to their houses, and after losing all their balls, the last one was sent flying to their neighbor's backyard. After calling out for twenty minutes and assessing there was no one home, Donghyuck decided it was best to break in and get it themselves—Jeno was against it, but he never seemed to win any arguments against Donghyuck—, the last part of their day was spent in the hospital, Donghyuck tending to a dog bite on his elbow and trying not to cry from all the shots he had to take. 

That day, as Jeno felt terrible for his friend, he created the rule book of friendship. It was mostly filled with things to make Donghyuck happy—like rule number four: no matter where they are, as soon as the first snow of the year comes, they have to get together and have a snowball fight. 

The twelfth rule was the last one, and it is still readable on Jeno's old notebook: if Donghyuck ever needs something, Jeno will help him out. Just like Donghyuck tried to retrieve Jeno's ball from their neighbor's backyard. 

Donghyuck loved the idea of the rule book, the only change he did to it was add his name to all rules, making it a two-way street. If Jeno ever needed help, Donghyuck would also be there.

Although all of that is true, Jeno can't help but think this favor is borderline _cruel_. Sure, Donghyuck knows nothing about the fairly recent realization of feelings, but they never dabbled into romantic territory before, at least not since they were twelve, and Jeno asked Donghyuck to kiss him so they could at least share another first time together. Donghyuck did, and they didn't speak to each other for the next month.

After that first kiss, Jeno and Donghyuck only touched each other again when they were well into their teenage years—Donghyuck adamant that they were doing it all in the name of science, Jeno knew they were just horny. Their relationship stayed solely in the platonic territory right after, and they never talked about it. Jeno met all of Donghyuck's boyfriends; Donghyuck encouraged Jeno to confess more than once, they were best friends and a team. Anything for the other, and that's precisely why Jeno found himself agreeing to Donghyuck's proposition.

"I'll help you out with your podcast," Donghyuck promises, unaware Jeno is already considering doing it. 

"What do I have to do?" Jeno asks, sure that he's about to get the longest nagging in the world when he gets home and tells Renjun.

"Nothing much?" Donghyuck was sitting right across him, stealing the coffee Jeno had ordered. He looked disheveled from a night of insufficient sleep — Jeno probably looks just as bad, "he already thinks we're dating." Donghyuck adds, "It would be nice to go on dates, though."

Jeno almost spits out his drink, "dates?"

"Yeah," Donghyuck says, "you know, go to the movies, eat ice cream, study together."

It takes all of Jeno's composure not to cough and get coffee out his nose; there's already not a lot going on for him at the moment. 

"We already do all of that."

"Oh," Donghyuck thinks back to their hangouts, "I guess you're right, we just lack the tension."

"Tension?"

"Yeah, you know," Donghyuck pushes the cake towards Jeno, "when you go out with someone, and your stomach can't stop churning."

Jeno can understand because that's exactly how he feels right now. He doesn't really enjoy the tension, not when it comes with discomfort from both sides. Maybe Donghyuck doesn't feel that way, considering he's always upbeat and confident, but first dates for Jeno are usually a nightmare.

That's why he somehow likes the butterflies Donghyuck gifts him; unlike the others, these are calmer, gentler, and he knows how to act with them because they have a long-lasting relationship to back them up. There's no time to be awkward, not when they had already seen each other through puberty and braces.

"I guess we can't have that," Donghyuck brushes off before Jeno can even think of a reply. 

"Yeah." 

That's probably the stupidest plan that ever graced their friendship, and Jeno hates how it makes _sense—_ maybe it doesn't, and Donghyuck just did his magic to get Jeno wondering. He knows Donghyuck wouldn't have asked him if he didn't like that guy enough, and it was cruel to think Jeno just got caught in the crossfire because they were friends.

A friend that was helplessly in love with the other, but still friends nonetheless.

"So I just go about with my day?"

"I think so," Donghyuck says, far too calm now for the mess he's creating, "I also never done this before."

"Do you want me to change my Facebook status?"

"I want you to delete your Facebook," Donghyuck replied, "who do you even have there?"

"Your dad," Jeno steals Donghyuck's cake—one that was too big to eat alone in those morning hours, but Donghyuck swore he could, "he sends me candy crush invitations."

"Ew, delete that."

"You're far too condescending for someone who got your father into candy crush."

They usually stay like this; Jeno orders the largest drink, and Donghyuck chooses something he can't finish on his own; they don't say they'll share, but they end up doing it anyway. Jeno decides to get the Americano because it's Donghyuck's favorite, and Donghyuck gets something extra sweet so Jeno can fight the coffee's bitterness with it.

"Fine," Jeno gives in, knowing well enough he won't delete it, and Donghyuck's father will keep sending him embarrassing baby pictures of them whenever she pleases, "do we need rules?"

Donghyuck stops, a hand on Jeno's drink and eyes set on Jeno himself. It doesn't really make sense why this disturbs Jeno so much, but he feels seen, like Donghyuck is stripping down all the layers of protection he tried to build.

"No," Donghyuck says, as if it's obvious, "it's us."

Because it _is_ obvious, and it should still be. Nothing really changed, and Donghyuck is still the most amazing person Jeno has ever met, crush or not. It's them, and it has always been them; they don't need verbal agreements to know how to react. Jeno never was much of a reader, but Donghyuck has his pages spent and spine cracked from all the years together.

"I guess," Jeno agrees, taking in the calmness of that moment, how Donghyuck smiles when Jeno offers him the fork back, how they look next to each other, two kids sitting around and making bets to see who would do the other's homework. Kids again, as if they weren't planning to dupe everyone in their university.

"Any other questions?"

"I don't think so," Jeno can't really decide if he's too sleepy or too overwhelmed with the request to take it all in; either way, he wants this conversation to be over.

"You haven't really expressed your thoughts on this," Donghyuck realizes, "I thought I was gonna get lectured today."

He should; Jeno knows he should. Donghyuck, somehow, roped him into faking a relationship without even talking to him first.

That's _ridiculous_. Who the fuck lets their best friend get away with something like that? Jeno could've just said no; Donghyuck could've explained the misunderstanding, but he chose to ride the lie. He decided to drag Jeno into his own mess because Donghyuck is incapable of looking bad in front of anyone.

It starts with a stupid conversation; Donghyuck has a crush on one of his classmates, Yangyang. Of course, Jeno knew about it; he just didn't think it was _that_ type of crush, the kind to make Donghyuck stupid too.

Donghyuck loves in very different ways. There's familiar love, what he feels for his parents and Jeno, a kind and warm safety net for him to rely on; Donghyuck loves like cozy nights and warm beverages. There's also momentary love, crushes he gets from time to time, fleeting faces that clog his mind for a week only to disappear just as they came. And there's dumb love—how Jeno likes to call it—, the one that makes Donghyuck stupid, that gets him talking before he can even process the words inside his head, and that crashes down all of his resolves.

When Donghyuck loves, he loves hard. It has always been like this, he gives his all so he could never regret the outcome, not even if it ends badly. It usually does for the other person, and Jeno helps collect the pieces on the trail of shattered hearts Donghyuck creates. 

This time, however, Jeno thinks he has a case of the Dumb Love™. More importantly, Donghyuck also has it, and if Renjun was here with them, he would've slapped Jeno and told him to cut this out immediately.

Unfortunately, Renjun's probably on the other side of campus by now, Jeno realizes as he checks the time, trying to reason with Yukhei to buy their old couch—Jeno had just gotten a new one from his parents. Now they have two sofas in their tiny living room and it's becoming impossible.

"It's not gonna make you turn back time and make things right, is it?" Jeno asks, partially hoping Donghyuck would come to his senses but also hoping he doesn't.

Last night, Donghyuck went to a get-together with his major, and not to make a complete fool of himself, ended up agreeing with the rumors Jeno was his boyfriend—those weren't exactly new, that's just how the gossip goes when two people from different majors spend most of their time together. He freaked out, drunk and lovestruck, and decided to agree with whatever they said about him.

It did, also, have to do with learning that Yangyang had just gotten himself a boyfriend and how they had flirted a lot all those weeks prior. In some way, inside his twisted mind, Donghyuck needed to one-up his crush.

"He's been flirting with me for weeks!" Donghyuck exclaimed early into their conversation, "who the fuck does that?"

Jeno doesn't have the heart to say Donghyuck does it too, even if it's the truth; the boy had always been a natural flirt, which added a lot of confusion to whoever met him at first. It had always been Jeno the one to dial things back down. 

_Good heavens,_ Jeno thinks, _he's_ so _dumb._

"Oh my," Donghyuck fakes a shocked look when Jeno sighs, "is this the part where you tell me you're not mad, just disappointed?"

"This is the part I tell you I'm tired," Jeno takes the last bite of the cake, "and I have a lot of assignments due next week."

It's Saturday morning, and those are reserved for getting Jeno's life back on track. He usually does all his laundry, changes his sheets, and meal preps for the rest of the week; everything goes down Saturday so he can have Sunday for himself and prepare mentally for another week of university.

"Do you wanna come over?" Jeno asks and grabs his bag, one that had nothing but his cellphone and a bunch of crumpled papers in it.

"No," Donghyuck replies, also grabbing his backpack, "I should also get back."

They don't exchange goodbyes; Jeno doesn't like the idea of them. Instead, they make plans to see each other soon, and Donghyuck convinces Jeno to go for lunch with his family next week. 

  
  


🎙️

  
  


One of the things Jeno hates about radio duty is the fact their university doesn't let them explore new media and ideas; it's always the same boring old songs and monotonous way of speaking to deliver the news. As Jeno realizes, that is probably the one thing that makes him want to quit the club. 

Sure, Jeno likes his job; he loves it, actually. But it's still messed up how much more they could be doing if the university could just let go of traditions and realize how narrow they were. 

It starts, once again, with Hyuck. Most of Jeno's stories do, and it doesn't even have to do with Jeno's undeniable infatuation for his friend; it's just that Hyuck's always _there_ , so most of Jeno's epiphanies happen when he's around. Hyuck's grand plans also always start with Jeno or involve him somehow; that's just what happens since they've been best friends for years. 

This time, however, Hyuck _is_ the reason for it. 

Being in a major such as broadcasting, Jeno knew he would end up in one of his college media clubs, and, luckily, he got radio duty. Besides hanging around and playing soft tunes between conversations, Jeno didn't do much the first year—and he had Renjun by his side to help pass the time. 

After a little while, they got Chenle to join the radio, and work got relatively more comfortable with three people; they participated in meetings and could vote on new segments but never have a lead role in discussions. Being new recruits, it was easier to lay low until they got the hang of it anyway. 

By the second year of college, Jeno got to host a few sections of the radio, mostly announcing which festivals were coming up and what play the theater kids were doing that month. Sometimes, when things got wild, Jeno would get to congratulate the university's basketball team for managing not to suck as much, and that would be the highlight of the week. 

Jeno didn't mind; he was starting off anyway. Plus, he liked hearing the banter between the two radio hosts and making fun of them when they messed up something live—it was easy, and he had never learned more. 

The first time he got to host, he was almost finishing his second year of college, and half of the radio crew had fallen sick with the flu. It was a nightmare, Jeno went the entire hour feeling like he was going to throw up, and Renjun had to save him a couple of times—having to play charades with the words Jeno forgot and kept stumbling over. Still, he never felt as alive as that day. 

As those stories usually went, the first one he contacted after the incident was Donghyuck. He had messaged the boy when the show was about to start, raving about tensioned jaws and numb fingers; Donghyuck had replied he would do great either way. It was only a matter of courtesy that Jeno would call him back, telling him how it went and asking for his feedback. 

"I tried Jeno," Donghyuck said, voice exhausted by frustration, "but the sound system isn't all that good, and they don't provide video."

From time to time, Jeno still managed to mess up. 

He had been so caught up in his own mind and process that he didn't even try to include his best friend, temporarily oblivious to his surroundings. 

He couldn't help but think the whole situation was ironic. Jeno chose to go to broadcasting _because_ of Donghyuck, years of consuming media, learning how to enunciate stuff correctly, wanting to convey information, only to have his own major exclude the one person who made it all possible in the first place. 

With the blessing of the rest of the radio crew, Jeno tried discussing the matter with his professors. If the radio was the first form of relaying any news to campus, it was only natural that it would need updating to include every single student.

He went first to his New Media professors; it had been Chenle's idea that maybe if Jeno had the university's faculty's support, he would get a better shot at having his concerns heard. Unfortunately, other than fleeting approval and dismissals, Jeno didn't find much backing with his major—no one was interested in demands created by a new student.

Nonetheless, he tried. Jeno knocked on every door and put up flyers to raise money to buy new equipment; it didn't help much. 

"What if we announced it on air?" Chenle asked when they were sitting down in the middle of Jeno's living room, trying to come up with a plan.

"And get expelled from the club?" Renjun replied, "they won't like it."

"We could ask the film club for their help again," Jeno thought, maybe the second time's the charm.

"It's too risky for them to lend their cameras to us every day. If something goes bad, they also don't have the money to buy new ones," Chenle reminded him. It wasn't that they didn't want to help, but most clubs related to art and media did not get much funding from their university in the first place; they were all barely surviving.

"Yeah, it fucking sucks," Renjun shrugged, "but there's nothing we can do about it."

"I didn't take you for a quitter, Jun," Jeno said and gained an obscene gesture as a reply.

"No, wait, maybe there is," Chenle said, eyes sparkling, "someone call Mark."

  
  


🎙️

  
  


Renjun has experience with Jeno like this. It's not the first time he would find his roommate headfirst into his pillow, lights out, some shitty heartbreak song playing through his speakers — one of these days, Renjun will gather the courage to smash that thing with a bat; they are already really close to it. 

"What happened?" Renjun asks, turning down the volume of Jeno's speakers and joining him in bed, back to the mattress and eyes on the starless ceiling. 

Jeno tries to answer, but his mind is still too foggy with Donghyuck's request, and the incoherent reply is muffled by the pillow. Renjun asks himself if it's worth it to make him repeat since he didn't understand a word, or if he should just let it go. 

"Donghyuck?" He asks, a shot in the dark that usually lands on the right target. 

The sound coming from Jeno is practically a wail, still muffled, and it is everything Renjun needed to hear to know he is right. 

"What happened?" Renjun asks, this time taking the pillow from Jeno's face and sighing in relief when he could see his friend isn't crying underneath it. Renjun likes Donghyuck, but there's an underlying agreement that the minute Jeno cries over him, Renjun will break Hyuck's kneecaps. 

He's taken a protective feeling towards Jeno in the same sense Jeno had of Donghyuck when they were little. The only difference is that Donghyuck grew up and learned how to fend for himself, Jeno still wore his heart on his sleeve and romanticized every single interaction on a daily basis. 

"He likes someone else."

Renjun knows. It's not that difficult to catch on, Donghyuck likes to be obvious, but he figured Jeno has too much of a tunnel vision when it comes to Donghyuck to realize the surroundings. And to be fair, Yangyang is a nice guy; they match a lot, so it's a given they would develop feelings. 

Still, it comes as a surprise to see Donghyuck invested in someone; Renjun doesn't remember if he had ever seen anything like it for all the years he knew Donghyuck. 

"I'm sorry," Renjun manages to say, unsure why he would feel like that—it just seems like the right reaction to seeing his friend dejected like that. 

"And he wants to date."

"Is he going to confess?" 

"No," Jeno removes the pillow blocking his airways—talking and trying to breathe at the same time was too hard, "he wants to date me."

Donghyuck explained to the best of his ability that morning; his alcohol-driven brain had blurted out that he and Jeno had just started dating as well, in an attempt not to make things awkward with Yangyang and the rest of his classmates. Jeno suspects there's more to the story, and maybe Donghyuck is too embarrassed to say it, but the twelfth rule of their friendship remains true, and there's nothing Jeno can do about it. 

Or maybe there's nothing he _wants_ to do about it because Jeno is sure no one would hold it against him a promise they made when they were kids, not even Donghyuck. The friendship pact is nothing but an excuse for Jeno to act out his fantasies. 

"What?" Renjun asks, voice becoming higher. 

Jeno has to tell someone; he knows he should. It's just that his roommate tends to be the voice of reason most of the time, and Jeno doesn't know if he wants to hear the truth right now.

"Not dating for real, though," this sounds ridiculous even for him, "Donghyuck might have made a fool of himself, and he needs to save face."

Jeno tries to explain the mess his friend made, from flirting for weeks, drunk calls, and finding out Yangyang actually had a boyfriend later. Jeno isn't sure if Donghyuck wants to get back at Yangyang or break them up—knowing his friend, he's too scared to ask— but he agreed to it anyway. 

Renjun doesn't talk right away, taking in the bits of information given, afraid to ask for more and start a fight. Jeno and Donghyuck aren't in a relationship that he can meddle, and most of his commentary is carefully crafted in ways not to upset Jeno—having a hopeless romantic as a roommate will give Renjun grey hair.

"And you're going with it?" He asks.

"I think so."

Again, they bathe in the quiet sounds coming from Jeno's speakers; Renjun gets up and turns the volume even lower so that it's nothing but gentle whispers—it's fitting, but it also gives Jeno time to think, and he doesn't want that.

"Why aren't you saying something?" Jeno asks, head falling to the side to watch his friend now standing next to his desk.

"Because you're gonna do it anyway," Renjun explains, resignation painting his voice, "does it matter if I think it's stupid?"

Not really, it never seems to matter what others think when it comes to Donghyuck. Jeno has his own set of rules and reasons towards the boy, and their bond is strong enough to withstand trivial matters.

Sure, the more he thinks about playing pretend, he gets nervous—butterflies shouldn't really be allowed when they were faking it. But Jeno is excited; if anything, Donghyuck will make everything fun, and they'll get a couple of stories out of this. 

Donghyuck comes with lore; nothing that involves him can ever stay innocent or simple. Therefore, at most, Jeno will come out with a few new tales to poke fun at—he also decides to ignore the looming threat to his heart for a minute. 

Butterflies or not, real or not, dating Donghyuck should be fun.

  
  


🎙️

  
  


Jeno loves his friends; he does. All of them, even Chenle when he's teasing him endlessly for getting something wrong while on air, but sometimes he just needs them all to _shut up_. 

"So," Chenle is the first one to open his mouth after the story rundown, incredulous," you're going out with Donghyuck?"

Jeno agrees. He didn't mean to tell them at first, but Jisung needed some help with one of his class projects, and Jeno found himself telling them before he could even realize what he was doing. If he could blame something, he would do so onon that horrible glue smell the room had; it's hard to concentrate with it assaulting his nose.

Jeno feels a little wrong to be lying, but he figured it would be best to start with people he knew and loved to see if he was even capable of pulling off that kind of lie—if he couldn't, it was easier to explain to them; people who knew the type of shit Donghyuck pulled before. From the looks of it, both Jisung and Chenle were shocked but didn't immediately start laughing or told him to stop creating fantasies, so he was counting that as a win.

Plus, the fact that Jeno's really close to tears might have told them he's serious—which is true, but he's also lying, and Jeno's sure his karma is going to be the worst for years to come now. His head hurts from all the mental gymnastics he has to do because of Donghyuck. 

"As in," Jisung finishes off, "dating?"

"Yes," Jeno says, "as in going to movies and spending time together."

"You guys already do that. We all do," Jisung reminds him.

"And," Chenle keeps trying to put all the pieces together, ignoring the—very valid—reminder from Jisung, " _he_ asked _you_?"

They aren't supposed to be using the university's radio booth for anything other than recording public announcements or their radio shows, but since Jisung found out Jeno has a key to the place, and it's mostly deserted that time of the year, they usually go out there to finish up their projects or study for exams. It's the perfect spot because they have comfortable chairs and it is even more silent than the library.

Today, however, they sit on the floor, sprawling all types of colored papers and glitter. Jisung still has to finish up his elective courses, and he decided to choose some classes from both the philosophy and psychology department—he is failing both of them but thought at least if he creates a nice enough banner for his Descartes paper, he will gain some extra points.

Although, when Jisung thought about asking his friends to help him out with his paper, he imagined Donghyuck and Renjun—the ones with any artistic inkling—would come to help him. Instead, he has Jeno and Chenle fumbling with sticks of glue and crinkling paper in the process. 

"I don't like that tone," Jeno warns Chenle.

"I'm just saying," Chenle shrugs, "you've been pining over the guy for as long as I've known you, and you want me to believe he's the one who made the first move?"

Jisung stops Chenle, one hand on the older boy's knee, to which Chenle sways it off when he realizes Jisung's body is full of glitter by now, "I don't think Jeno hyung would ever manage to confess."

Jeno is torn between thinking Jisung wants to defuse the situation or make fun of him. 

Chenle looks at Jisung like he has cracked the code, giving him a thumbs up for the diss, "you're right," Chenle weighs in, "poor Hyuck."

"Hey, I'm a catch!"

"Sure," Chenle bats his eyes. 

"I am," Jeno insists.

"I kinda get it," Jisung intervenes before Chenle could trample on Jeno's confidence even more, "you're nice, hyung."

"Too nice," Chenle adds, "if you ask me."

"No one asked you."

"Then why are you telling me this?" Chenle asks, "if not for my blessing?"

"Oh," Jisung adds, admiring the way Jeno managed to save the glue stains on the paper by adding glitter, "you have my blessing, hyung."

The booth's floor is pure glitter by now, considering both Jisung and Jeno think the way to make something pretty is to add more color and sparkles to it. Jisung's own build seems to have a percentage of glitter; every single strand of hair sparkles against the cold light in the studio, and Jeno's sure his friend will have glitter on his body for weeks. 

Judging from his own hands, Jeno isn't all that better. 

"Thank you, Jisung," Jeno lifts his part of the project, "I think it's done."

They take a look at what's supposed to be a paper on René Descartes, now covered in wrinkles and colored paper, and Chenle's the first one to break the silence, "maybe we should call Hyuck or Renjun to help us out."

Jeno doesn't even have the heart to defend his creation, painfully aware he wouldn't turn in something like that if it were his paper too. 

Jisung presses his lips in a line, and Jeno agrees, "yeah, we probably should."

It doesn't take long until Donghyuck appears, with a laptop in his hands, and teaches Jisung how to digitally edit his paper. Chenle leaves and Jeno waits for Donghyuck, who is in between nagging Jisung over the lengths he's going to bribe for a good grade and laughing at his ridiculous attempts. 

"I still have to run to get some things printed before tomorrow, but if you wait around, I can give you a ride home, Jeno," Jisung says when they decide everything else they do to the paper is going to ruin it—everything _Jisung_ wants to add is going to destroy his assignment, and Donghyuck vetoes any new idea. 

"It's fine," Jeno dismisses the help, "I'll just go with Hyuck, don't mind me."

"Oh, right," Jisung smiles, awkward, remembering their talk before Donghyuck got to the radio booth. His friends didn't acknowledge each other differently than before, so it was easy to miss, but Jisung figured they wouldn't anyway; Jeno and Donghyuck had always been a little bit in love with each other, "I'll see you guys around, then."

Jisung promises to come back early in the morning the next day to help with the glitter on the floor; Jeno agrees, it would be easier to clean the room with a vacuum cleaner, and he's set on stealing Renjun's to help tomorrow. In the end, they didn't end up using any of the colored paper nor glitter Jisung had bought—Donghyuck convincing them they didn't need it. 

"You know he takes advantage of you, right?" Donghyuck asks when they were on the way to Hyuck's dorm; Jeno hadn't realized how long they spent in the booth, but the sky is already painted pink when they get out. 

"It goes both ways," Jeno says, "if I ever need something done quickly, I know I can always pressure Jisung into doing it."

Donghyuck ponders that new information, wanting to say something and giving up in the process of creating a coherent thought. Instead, they go back in silence, and Jeno spends half that time wondering why tonight feels different.

"I told them about it," Jeno recalls, aware they should keep track of who knows what, and when Donghyuck looks at him confused, he adds, "about us."

"Everything?"

"Just that we're going out," Jeno explains, "wasn't sure if you wanted to keep it between us."

Donghyuck smiles, grateful, but still adds, "you can tell them."

Jisung and Chenle are their friends, so of course it wouldn't be weird to tell them the whole story; Donghyuck is putting on a show that's meant for one person in the audience only. 

The tug in Jeno's heart is weak, and he tells himself it has nothing to do with Donghyuck dismissing their agreement. It doesn't help when Donghyuck reaches for Jeno's hand, interlacing their fingers.

There are a few moments in Jeno's life where he feels screaming is warranted. His hand, caged between Donghyuck's, seems like a valid reason to do so. He wants to warn Donghyuck that he might get glitter all over the boy if they stay near each other, but Donghyuck also gently runs his thumb against Jeno's hand, and it causes him to shortcircuit. 

"What are you doing?"

"Holding your hand."

"Why?"

"He called me yesterday," Donghyuck ignores Jeno's question; since he doesn't use any names, Jeno figures they're talking about Yangyang, "I didn't pick up."

They are nearing Donghyuck's dorms, and Jeno realizes the only reason Donghyuck is holding his hand is that they are getting closer to Donghyuck's side of the campus. They might run into his colleagues, might run into _Yangyang_. 

"Why not?" Jeno's hand is clammy, uncomfortable from the hot weather, and he can't help but think Donghyuck is seconds away from saying something mean about it. 

Donghyuck shrugs, "I'm scared."

There are numerous times in their lives in which Jeno saw Donghyuck scared. Once, Donghyuck threw up on stage as he walked to the pole to get his trophy for the spelling bee contest, stage fright getting the best of him in the very last second of the show—something Jeno didn't even realize was possible. He is also terrified of dark spaces since he depended on visual cues most of his life. This only goes to show, at least in Jeno's mind, that Donghyuck gets scared of times in which he has to rely solely on himself; there was never a day Donghyuck said he was frightened because of someone.

Tonight, Donghyuck says he is. 

"Isn't that what you wanted, though?" Jeno asks, "him reaching out?"

"Do you think he's gonna ask me to meet him?"

"What time did he call yesterday?" 

"Near one AM."

The time throws Jeno back to Renjun's comment— _people do stupid things at this hour_ —and from Donghyuck's confused eyes, Jeno figures he's probably thinking the same thing. 

"Maybe he was drunk," Jeno offers, "and wanted to talk."

"I thought about that," Donghyuck confesses, shoulders slumped, "but today he didn't even look at me."

Jeno can't understand Donghyuck's relationship; he never quite could when it came to romance. His feelings work like a metronome, changing directions almost at a regular pace, so it should've been a dealbreaker for Hyuck the minute Yangyang got interested in someone else.

Jeno spends the rest of their walk hoping he magically gets superpowers and manages to conjure a cold wind to make his hand stop transpiring or that lightning strikes him, and he stops thinking about Donghyuck's feelings for someone else. 

"Hey, maybe he had a hangover," Jeno thinks it's ridiculous how he's trying to find loopholes to get his own crush to not be sad about his crush. 

"Maybe," Donghyuck smiles as they reach the entrance to their dorm, "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Sure." 

Jeno walks away after Donghyuck enters the building. As if it's a practiced routine, he looks back only once to find Donghyuck by his window, waving him goodbye—Jeno's unsure if Hyuck can see from that distance, but he smiles and leaves. 

  
  


🎙️

  
  


Jeno met Donghyuck when he was five; they only became real friends at the age of seven. _Best_ friends came at ten years old when they were sent on a camping trip for the summer. 

It wasn't really a camping trip, just two boys being sent to stay with Donghyuck's grandmother at her tangerine farm in the middle of nowhere. If anyone asked, it was a camping trip, and Donghyuck was set on making it one. 

Being an only child, his parents also being only children, Donghyuck didn't grow up with cousins or other kids. Jeno was the only one he regularly saw outside of school, and he never went on a school trip with friends—his parents still being too paranoid of Donghyuck needing them at night, even though the boy was far more independent than most kids in Jeno's class.

So staying at his grandmother's house with Jeno was the first time he had little supervision and a friend to accompany him; Donghyuck was so excited he made an itinerary—it consisted of eating and exploring, with the occasional spooky story at night. 

By that time, Jeno already knew Donghyuck usually managed to get what he wanted, and he was interested in exploring the countryside with his friend. They didn't stray far from the house the first couple of days, still too scared to venture themselves out between all the trees. Before leaving to go to his grandmother's farm, Donghyuck thought it would be wise to have a sleepover and tell each other scary stories—which made them both scared senseless and hindered the first few days of their trip.

"How long has your grandmother lived here?" Jeno asked on the second night, "like, if this place was haunted, she would know, right?"

"I think so, yeah."

"Do you think she would tell us?"

"I don't think my grandmother would let spirits hurt me," Donghyuck pondered, shivers creeping up his spine on a hot summer night, "I don't know about you, though."

Jeno was shocked by that outcome. 

"I'm your friend!"

"Between a friend and her grandson, I think she would give you to the spirits."

It took all of Jeno's willpower not to call his parents crying that night. 

By the third day, joined by the dogs who guarded the farm, Jeno and Donghyuck went by the lake, and like any dumb kid, they decided to jump in it—unaware they didn't have any other clothes, were far away from the house and Donghyuck hadn't taken his hearing aids off. 

It was only when Donghyuck emerged back from the water, and his smile turned into dread—the world turning muffled—, that Jeno remembered the existence of the little electronic. 

Although Donghyuck was equipped with extra batteries, he didn't have another set of hearing aids with him—his parents also didn't think he would destroy them. He didn't cry over the incident, even when Donghyuck's father texted him to say he would only be able to get him a new pair by the end of the week, too caught up in trying to save face in front of Jeno. 

He didn't even _need_ to save face; Jeno had seen Donghyuck cry over pokemon stories he created in his head—their friendship had transcended to a whole different level since then. 

Without the hearing aids, Donghyuck could distinguish vowels, but everything else sounded too softened for him to understand all that well. They relied on lip reading and soft touches for the entirety of that week, to which Jeno didn't mind at all. 

Discovering his grandmother's property didn't stop after their little incident; if anything, it just made them more reckless. With nothing to lose, and knowing he would be grounded after going home, Donghyuck did everything he ever wanted to do. He didn't try to control his voice or feel embarrassed by asking Jeno to repeat himself—Donghyuck was set on having his perfect summer.

Jeno molded to Donghyuck pretty quickly, too; they helped Donghyuck's grandmother with harvesting some of her tiny vegetable gardens—and got amazed by the size of her eggplants, never having seen them so small. 

They went out at night to hunt for fireflies and were so sunburnt by the end of the two weeks that Jeno was having a hard time walking—lying down was a nightmare, and he even dabbled into the logistics of sleeping while sitting instead. 

There wasn't a specific moment that made Jeno realize Donghyuck had become his best friend. Over the years, they had gotten closer, and by the end of the trip, Jeno got sad over the fact he wouldn't be able to see Donghyuck every day anymore. He didn't like that idea, going out of his way to make sure Donghyuck would text him and hang out with him even if they weren't on vacation anymore. 

Since they didn't live near each other at the time, it was hard to meet up, and the idea of having to wait until another holiday to see his friend made Jeno miserable. No one else joked like Donghyuck or went along with Jeno's antics quite as well. From ghost stories to super competitive matches of battleship, Donghyuck had become essential.

  
  


🎙️

  
  


Life goes on as it usually did, and, for the most part, fake dating Donghyuck doesn't get in the way of Jeno's plans. They still go out, Donghyuck still clowns Jeno's oblivious aura when one of the guys in his major looks disappointed when Jeno says Donghyuck is his boyfriend now.

"Oh my god," Donghyuck says, scandalized, and Jeno knows this is the start of weeks of tormenting, "he has a crush on you."

"Who? _Sungchan_?" Jeno asks, "no way, he can do a lot better."

"Hey, stop that," Donghyuck pokes him, "we're not gonna be mean to ourselves here." 

"I'm not," Jeno assures his friend, "Sungchan is just that cute."

"Did I just cockblock you?" Donghyuck stops in his tracks, pulling Jeno towards the building they just were in, "come on, let's go talk to him again."

"Stop it," Jeno complains, "you're gonna tear my shirt, you monster."

Some things change between them. They walk alongside each other more frequently, and Donghyuck brushes hands with Jeno a lot because of it; they don't hold hands again; Jeno's still too conscious of everything, so Donghyuck takes his time. 

They do, however, end up touching, even more than they are known to. Since Jeno isn't walking backwards and looking at Donghyuck, they usually get each other's attention with little touches of skin, silent reminders they are together—enough to get Jeno's heart racing. 

It shouldn't elicit such a response because they've been friends for over ten years, and nothing has ultimately changed. Sure, they were _pretending_ things had changed, but it still came down to a fake relationship, so their routine is still pretty much the same. Jeno has no business getting excited every time Donghyuck calls or when he waits for him by the water fountain to go out for lunch. 

They pass by Yangyang a few times. Those fleeting moments are plagued with a clueless Yangyang, unaware there's a show being put on because of him, and an annoyed Donghyuck, getting impatient every time his crush manages to slightly miss them. 

"Next time he passes us, I'm gonna scream," Donghyuck says as they miss Yangyang on campus once again.

"Didn't you want to be subtle?"

"Not gonna scream his name," Donghyuck explains, letting go of Jeno's arm, "I'm gonna fall or something, please catch me."

"I won't."

"Fine, I'm gonna push you then," Donghyuck settles, and for the rest of the week, Jeno tries to be on his toes whenever he sees Yangyang—knowing his best friend, he wouldn't put past Hyuck to be lurking around, waiting for the right moment to cause a scene.

He spends his radio breaks either eating or planning their next move, sometimes both, so Donghyuck is always with him. After the first two weeks of minimal contact with Yangyang, Jeno starts to think the agreement really isn't bad—all he does is spend time with his best friend and get free food, another win in Jeno's book.

"How much do you think you can temper with a grilled cheese before you can't call it a grilled cheese anymore?" Donghyuck asks when they are back at the same coffee shop from that fateful morning, only now it's nighttime. 

"What do you mean?"

Breakfast for dinner is one of Jeno's favorite things on earth and ever since they started their little agreement, Donghyuck has surprised him more than once with those. Maybe it's his way of getting on Jeno's good side—as if he's not already in it. 

"You know," Donghyuck shows his grilled cheese, "this one has tomato in it, and they call it a grilled cheese. So where do we cross the line?"

"I think as long as it has cheese and it's grilled, you can say it's a grilled cheese."

"So if I add meat to it, will it still be a grilled cheese?"

"I think that sounds really close to a monte cristo sandwich."

"Then it's not grilled cheese," Donghyuck objects, "see? Where is the line?"

Jeno laughs at Donghyuck's ramblings and agrees with his weird logic. Somehow, Donghyuck always finds a way to make sense, so there's no use trying to argue with him. 

The days go by like that; other than casual touches, nothing really changes, so Jeno feels okay with their little secret. That is, until the night Donghyuck texts him, asking for backup, and Jeno finds himself crashing a get-together for Donghyuck's major. 

Donghyuck  
  
HELP  
i almost locked myself in the bathroom  
can u come  
oh  
shit  
i need your a game rn  
  


Jeno knew he would have to submit to gatherings and play his part sometimes, although he hoped that wouldn't happen at all. As soon as Jeno gets to the bar, he sees all of Donghyuck's classmates and seniors, and he's not so sure what his A game is, but he's trying to bring it. 

"What the fuck," Jeno hisses when Donghyuck is close enough to hear him, "what's all this?"

"Okay," Donghyuck smiles, taking him by the hand, voice too sweet for the amount of pressure Donghyuck is exerting, "I'm a little drunk."

"That's not what I'm talking about," Jeno says, eyeing everyone sitting at the table, smiling when anyone meets his gaze.

"Yangyang said he's coming," Donghyuck explains, "I need you here with me."

Spending his Friday night with people he had only seen in passing wasn't exactly how Jeno thought his night would go, but Donghyuck had rosy cheeks and was cursing like a sailor, so he couldn't complain. If anything, he would have more ammo for the next time Hyuck tried to make him do something.

"Oh, is this the time where you'll officially introduce him to us?" One of Hyuck's seniors, who Jeno supposed was Jungwoo, asks. 

"I guess it was time, huh," Donghyuck says, all smiles and happy laughter, bringing another chair for Jeno to sit beside him. 

"You have to tell me how to shut him up," another one of his seniors, Yukhei, says, looking over at Jeno, "he's making me lose my mind."

Jeno never really hung out with most of Donghyuck's colleagues, but they were nice. Yukhei told Jeno about the time Donghyuck managed to download a virus in the computers from their lab, hoping the test would be rescheduled, only to have the professor make them do their assignments on slow computers instead—and Donghyuck had to buy the whole class chicken to make up for it. Jeno told them about the time they got lost in a mall because they decided to hide from Donghyuck's parents, and Johnny just walked out of the store and hid too—an hour of crying and two announcements over the speakers later, Johnny appeared with a milkshake in hand and a lecture in the other. 

Yangyang shows up when some people are already leaving; by that time, Jeno is thinking of asking Donghyuck to go too. But as soon as Hyuck spots his crush, he asks for another round of beers for the table with newfound confidence. 

"Sorry," Yangyang says, sitting down by the end of the table, "I got caught up somewhere else."

"It's fine," Jungwoo assures him, "some people left, but we still have a lot of energy to burn."

There are many conversations happening simultaneously, and Jeno almost wishes he was drinking; that way, he can dismiss the way Donghyuck smiles is too much. And Donghyuck's eyes keep wandering to the edge of the table, to a conversation that is too distant for him to even hear right. 

"You're making a fool of yourself," Jeno pokes Hyuck when the staring gets too much.

"You're _making a fool of yourself,_ " Donghyuck mocks him back, voice high pitched and taunting. Drunk Donghyuck has even less filter than his sober counterpart, and he's braver too, which is why Jeno jumps from his chair when he feels Donghyuck's hand on his thigh, high enough to be uncomfortable.

The motion draws everyone's attention inside the bar, and it doesn't help Jeno with his panicky state.

"Are you okay?" Yukhei asks, worry washing away his face. 

"Yeah," Jeno responds, breathless from nothing, standing up, "I'm gonna get something from the bar. Do you guys want anything?"

He receives a few orders and leaves to get them, heart beating out of his chest from the scare. Donghyuck has always been dangerous when he drank, but that usually meant Jeno would end the night with scraped knees and maybe a bruise on his cheek, not sporting a semi in his jeans. 

Oh my god, Jeno's freaking out again. 

It takes him more than one trip back to the table to give out the drinks everyone ordered, and Yukhei decides to help when he sees Jeno struggling with the glasses—Jeno almost wants to tell him that it's okay, anything to keep him away from Donghyuck for a while longer. 

"You're such a prude," Donghyuck is wearing his smile like an armor, never letting it leave his face, and Jeno's sure he's going to be complaining about a headache and sore cheeks tomorrow. 

"I'm gonna call your dad," Jeno warns, the mention of Johnny always being his way to get Donghyuck to calm down. 

Donghyuck looks offended and ready to complain when they are interrupted.

"I didn't know we were bringing our significant others," Yangyang says, loud enough to get everyone's attention, and he smiles at Jeno, "I'm Yangyang."

Jeno knows for a fact Yangyang knows who he is. They never actually hung out much, but he's part of some of Renjun's clubs, and they met from all the times Jeno crashed a study meeting to get anything he might have forgotten with Donghyuck that day. 

"Jeno," he replies. 

"Oh," Yangyang's smile grows wider, as if there's a history there Jeno isn't aware of, "I've heard about you, Jeno."

"I did too."

It takes Jeno a second to understand why he's uncomfortable. Since his attention is glued to Yangyang, his first instinct is to think social interactions between him and his crush's crush would make him uncomfortable, but he soon realizes he's in _pain_. Donghyuck has his devilish little nails clawing on his thigh, strong enough to make him whimper. 

Jeno doesn't think there's anything less than innocent in their exchange, but Donghyuck gets him to stop talking by digging his nails further. There's a silent war going on between them, and it drives Jeno mad when he sees Donghyuck stifling a laugh when their eyes meet again. 

There's something to be said about how much Donghyuck enjoys Jeno's misery, but Jeno's still too entranced by the boy's smile and the chaos in his pants to attempt to form a coherent thought. 

"How did you two meet?" Jungwoo asks, and Jeno's unsure if he wants to defuse the situation or add flames to the fire. 

There's tension in the air; it's clear by the way Donghyuck's shoulders rise, eyes focusing on his beer glass like it's the most exciting thing he ever saw.

Jeno felt it back at the coffee shop, and this only serves as confirmation: there's more to the story than what he knows about, it's in the way Hyuck's ears get red, and Yangyang doesn't seem to care that he's blatantly staring at this point. 

Jeno clears his throat, hoping that would be enough to catch Hyuck's attention, "we met when we were five," it does, and Donghyuck looks at him, "Donghyuck punched me on the mouth."

"To be fair," Donghyuck smiles, "you deserved it."

Jeno laughs; he kind of did deserve—that seems to be the consensus, "our parents are friends, so I wrote him a letter to apologize."

"You did?" Donghyuck asks, memory fuzzy from all the beer, "I don't remember that."

"I never gave you," Jeno explains, trying to remind himself Donghyuck is watching his mouth for reasons other than what he wanted it to be, "dad proofread it, and, by the end, I couldn't read it without a dictionary beside me."

No one could relate to the story as no one else other than Donghyuck and Jeno knew Doyoung's obsession with perfection. It was endearing to think of a six-year-old Jeno getting frustrated over his father changing the wording on his apology letter, so the only laughing track to Jeno's story is Donghyuck. 

It doesn't happen often, but sometimes Donghyuck looks at Jeno like he's seeing him for the first time in months—as if they don't spend every few days attached by the hip. Donghyuck's eyes are round and filled with wonder; he looks at Jeno and sees through him, sees through their past, their camaraderie, and affection. 

It's pure adoration, laced with something Jeno can't begin to describe; he only knows he feels it too. It's in the way Donghyuck's lips quiver with words unsaid, hands searching for Jeno's skin—making sure he's there—and how his eyes speak, screaming temptations without realizing the power they hold.

It's all about his _eyes_. Donghyuck holds every single answer in the universe inside his eyes, everything that matters, and he won't give the key to anyone to find them out. Jeno spent years trying, and by now, he's content with guessing the hints he finds with every sparkle he sees there. 

"That's cute," Jungwoo says, snapping Jeno out of his own thoughts.

"Oh, so you two have been dating for a while now?" 

Jeno realizes they've stepped into dangerous territory, and it's all Hyuck's fault for not wanting to set rules and make up their story when they were still having breakfast together. Now, he's out in a bar fending for himself since Donghyuck is useless when he drinks; if he lets his best friend talk, it's probably gonna get harder for him—it was a drunk Donghyuck that got him into this mess in the first place.

A drunk Donghyuck who likes to get Jeno flustered, be it by his words or inappropriate touches. 

"Oh yeah," Donghyuck starts, "we got— _why are you pinching me?_ "

"I'm sorry, you should drink some of my coke," Jeno says, handing Hyuck the glass and hoping he would _shut the fuck up_ , "we became official for a little less than a month now."

"If this bruises, I'm sending you my hospital bill," Donghyuck murmurs, poking him back but still accepting the coke anyway. 

Jeno can't shake off the expression Yangyang makes when Donghyuck drinks off of Jeno's glass, and it bothers him. Nothing about their exchanges that night was terrible, but there's an underlying sadness to it he can't seem to shake off, and for the first time, he wants to go back on his word; Jeno wants to dispute their arrangement. 

The rest of the night passes in the same fashion, Jeno answers some questions, Donghyuck drinks more than he should, and he has a good time with the people in his fake boyfriend's major. Yangyang, when he's not blatantly staring at Donghyuck, is nice to Jeno and makes him feel welcomed—and that only serves to add fuel to his guilt.

By the end of the night, Jeno has already exchanged numbers with both Jungwoo and Yukhei, and he has to help Donghyuck get to the car. With a round of goodbyes and a _drive safe_ from Yangyang, Jeno leaves the bar feeling like he's a con artist.

With Donghyuck in his car, Jeno finds the courage to ask him about it, "are you sure you want to keep this going?"

"Keep what?" Donghyuck asks; the light inside the car is on, and Donghyuck's cheeks seem redder than when they were at the bar. 

"Lying."

Donghyuck huffs, "your lecture is coming late, don't you think?"

It's not a lecture, and Jeno wishes Donghyuck wasn't drunk for him to actually get his point across, but he figures he ought to try some other time, so he answers, "I guess. Did you have fun?"

"I did," Donghyuck's smile is brighter than the lights passing by, and Jeno almost forgets he's driving for a minute, "I wanted to introduce you to them for a while now."

It's past two in the morning now, and the streets nearing their campus have a few scattered souls going home, some drunk like Donghyuck, some heartbroken like Jeno. It's the textbook picture for a Friday night, and Jeno's chest is tight from the things he wants to say. 

"Yeah?"

"I mean it," Donghyuck says, nails tapping on the window, lost in thought, "I'm happy you came, thank you."

Risking getting into more heartbreak territory, only because Jeno is a masochist, he decides to say, "Yangyang is nice."

Donghyuck groans, "he's pretty, isn't he?" Jeno doesn't reply, "damn him and his pretty face. Do you think he'll call?"

"Do you want him to?" Jeno asks, eyes glued to the road, "wouldn't that be a little sleazy?"

" _Sleazy?_ "

"You just introduced your boyfriend," Jeno passes by Donghyuck's dorm, only realizing he does so later, "shit, I forgot where I was taking you."

"It's okay, let's go eat something," Donghyuck offers, "you think he won't make his move?"

Donghyuck's tone is sad, anxious even, and Jeno wants to put an end to it. 

"Doesn't Yangyang have a boyfriend too?"

"He does," Donghyuck's tapping becomes erratic, "I think so."

"You _think_?"

"I am drunk," Donghyuck reminds him, and quickly changes the subject, "don't ask too many questions. I'm having fun with you."

"Does this mean you don't have fun with me on a daily basis?"

"This means I'm happy," Donghyuck replies, "you fucking monster, I'm trying to have a moment here."

The night lights keep passing by them, and Jeno can see in his peripheral vision Donghyuck looking at him, confused eyes glued to his lips. It sends shivers down his spine, and he has to remind himself they aren't _actually_ having a moment; Donghyuck is drunk, and Jeno's filling in as a substitute for the boy he actually likes. This night, as pretty as it is, is not his. 

He can lie to himself though, Jeno found out once he starts lying, it gets easier to keep doing so. It's effortless when Donghyuck looks at him and laughs, when he takes his hand and interlaces their fingers, and when he whispers back every word leaving Jeno's mouth. It's easy to do so when the person he's with is Donghyuck, and Donghyuck also knows how to lie well. 

Jeno laughs, heart light from the banter, "If you want to eat, I can get you a drive-through experience, I am _not_ taking you out at two in the morning."

"Ugh, what a gentleman," Donghyuck groans, "I'll take it."

  
  


🎙️

  
  


Renjun doesn't usually get time for himself. Even if he wanted to, there's always someone in their friend group freaking out. It's Chenle and his need to change majors every semester, Mark and his stupid boss, Jaemin and his lack of social interaction, and Jeno and Donghyuck. 

To be fair, Jeno is continuously freaking out; it doesn't even need to be about Donghyuck; he'll find a way to twist things into a negative light in his head and make sure he shuts down because of it. Being roommates with Jeno, makes Renjun constantly be in his protective mode.

"It's because you're a nice person," Jaemin says, sitting on the floor of Renjun's room, as they watch Jeno stroll around the room, 

"Fuck being nice," Renjun bites back, "you should fake breakup with Donghyuck, and you really need vitamin D, my dude," Renjun addresses both boys in his room, Jaemin getting offended when he's not even there to be scolded.

"I'm fine," Jaemin dismisses; he only went to Renjun and Jeno's place because his roommate had the brilliant idea of heating up fish in their microwave, and now the entire floor stank. Jaemin's starting to wonder if he should power through and coop up in his room again—it would be better than getting a lecture from Renjun; 

"You're really not, though," Jeno says, "you're like—pale."

"Like a ghost," Renjun adds, "I would punch you in the face if you talked to me at night."

"He would," Jeno confirms, "I've seen him do that."

"I'm gonna go home."

"Oh, shut up, you big baby," Renjun throws him one of the pillows on his bed, "Jeno, continue."

"I don't know," Jeno says, sitting on the floor next to Jaemin, "I just feel like Donghyuck's heading to massive heartbreak town, and I can't stop him."

"It's not really your place to stop him," Jaemin, surprisingly, is the one who ends up adding to Jeno's concerns, "you can take yourself out of the equation, but you can't force Donghyuck to do the same."

"He can try," Renjun says, taking Jeno's side.

"Only if he wants a fight," Jaemin's dark circles are so apparent Jeno is astonished that the boy is still able to put words together in a sentence, "I'm not saying this is _smart_ , but it's Hyuck's life to live."

The reason why everyone goes to Renjun for friendship counseling is that the boy is always the one with the levelheaded responses; he's always looking for the safest way to guide others through life, even if he doesn't take those routes; Jaemin, on the other hand, takes things personally—he understands Jeno's stance, but believes it's in everyone's right to mess up and learn from their mistakes, and they wouldn't be able to do so if they're always being held back.

"But what if there's another way out?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like," Jeno knows is a long shot, and that maybe his mind is conjuring ideas to screw him over later, but somehow it feels like they could work, "we had a moment the other night."

"Again," Jaemin says, mimicking Renjun, "what do you mean?"

"I don't know," Jeno knows if he tells them Donghyuck's eyes were glistening with something other than the usual mischievousness, he'll probably get teased for it and Jaemin will find a way to blame it on a medical condition, "it felt different."

"Super descriptive," Renjun says, Jaemin hums in agreement, "totally understood."

"Fuck you guys."

Jaemin sighs, looking over to Renjun before he decides to say anything. It only takes a moment, and Jeno can't decipher what's going on or why Jaemin would need to silently ask permission before he can speak out his thoughts, but it happens. It does, and Jeno can relate because it's the exact same type of conversation he has with Donghyuck. 

"Look," Jaemin starts, "I'm all for you putting a stop to it all and even advising Hyuck to do so too. I just don't think it's the right call to it _because_ of your feelings, you might confuse him and get hurt in the process."

"I think you should tell him," Renjun intercepts, "everything, I mean. You wouldn't even have said yes if it weren't for your feelings in the first place."

"You can't be sure of that," Jeno defends himself, "if you asked me to do it, I would probably help you out too."

"Sure you would," Renjun says, disbelief dripping down his words. 

"No, he would," Jaemin agrees with Jeno, and for a second, Jeno thinks he's going to win the debate, "and after five minutes, he would break down and tell you he can't do it. With Donghyuck, he's been going for weeks already."

"You two aren't really helping today, huh?"

"No, we are," Renjun tells him, "you're just not wanting to hear us out."

  
  


🎙️

  
  


Donghyuck asks Jeno out three days after their bar incident, and since they didn't talk about how they are going to do all this, Jeno's unsure if he wants to hang out as best friends or as fake boyfriends. 

It gives him a newfound sense of urgency, thinking Donghyuck might want to spend time with him maintaining romantic scenarios involved, and it's cruel to remember those scenarios would never be more than that, stage play. 

Considering Donghyuck wanted to meet near the gardens, Jeno chooses to believe this would be a friendly date—it was far enough from both their department buildings and Jeno knows there's a new tech shop near that area Donghyuck wanted to visit. 

"You're late," Donghyuck says when Jeno gets closer, eyes squinting from the lack of light, trying to assess Jeno's outfit, "This place is sketchy at night."

"We could have just met at your dorm," Jeno reminds him.

"Yeah, but it wouldn't be as dramatic," Donghyuck says, starting to walk to the gates of their college, "would it?"

Jeno laughs; Donghyuck has a soft spot for the theatrical—and that's probably the reason why Donghyuck's father started to get grey hair in his late twenties. 

"Where are we going?" Jeno realizes they are going the opposite direction from the tech shop, walking under the stars, "it's really hot today, Jesus fuck."

"There's this new place right around downtown," Donghyuck explains, looking at Jeno, "that has this amazing stir-fried noodles, and I'm craving it."

"We could order, then."

Donghyuck's face distorts in outrage, "the good places don't do delivery, Jeno," he sighs, "how many times do I have to tell you this?"

Donghyuck has an obsession with finding trendy restaurants; it's gotten to the point where he craves standing in line for hours— _it's all about the anticipation, that's what makes a meal worthwhile_ , he says. Jeno doesn't really care for those, but he's usually the one who gets dragged into Donghyuck's rendezvous. 

It doesn't even faze Jeno when he sees the huge line waiting for them; most of the time when Donghyuck picks the restaurant, they spend hours waiting—their friends stopped showing up whenever Donghyuck asked them to eat together, Jisung drew the line when he waited for three hours just to eat a tiny croissant. 

"Yeah," Jisung said, "I'm not gonna do that ever again."

"You're so weak, Jisung," Donghyuck gave up and went on to call everyone else weak for not vibing with his trendy restaurant agenda. The only people that would still go with him were Jeno and Jaemin—although the latter was usually busy, and Jeno was starting to think Jaemin didn't have the heart to tell Donghyuck he hated waiting in line for overpriced food. 

Jeno didn't care for trendy restaurants, but he loves the idea of them. It takes him back to the first time he realized he was in love with his best friend. 

Love had always been a constant in Jeno's life. He had wonderful parents, wonderful friends and grew up knowing exactly what love was. He would see it in his father's eyes every time the other came home from work. There was love in every greeting, every packed lunch, in every little thing that others would deem as unimportant. 

Donghyuck, as Jeno realized, was someone he always loved. It wasn't romantic at first, not at all; when they met, Jeno wanted nothing but to shove Donghyuck's face on dirt and fight him—looking back, Jeno's happy he didn't because Donghyuck fights dirty, and he would've probably lost. At first, it was nothing but a budding performance, the only other kid in the room with him, the one with who his parents _made_ him get along.

Then, it became a companionship. They didn't pretend to be friends to get their parents to stop nagging them; they became friends in their own accord and because they _wanted_ to. Jeno wanted to hear more about the boy with weird questions and obsessions; Donghyuck tried to show him his side of life. 

Later, it was growing up together, experiencing heartbreaks and judgment from all sides; puberty hitting hard and unforgiving. Jeno wore headgear braces for sleep, and Donghyuck was graced with as many zits as stars in the sky—they both didn't like it, but they got over it. 

If it weren't for Renjun, Jeno doesn't know if he would have ever realized he's in love with Donghyuck. Maybe he would, maybe not. 

He only realized the feelings he harbored for Donghyuck weren't platonic when they were back home, and his friend wanted to convince their local bakery to sell him unbaked bread—Jisung and Donghyuck had an argument about where they could get the best bread from, Jisung thought it was the bakery near their dorm, Donghyuck swore it was the one back at their hometown. To settle the discussion once and for all, Donghyuck wanted to get a sample and bake it back when they all were together, so he could shut up Jisung. 

There were many problems with that plan—first and foremost, they didn't have an oven as powerful to bake the bread back in the dorms—and the owner of the bakery, a gentle old man, refused to sell them something that could potentially harm them. 

Jeno isn't sure why that made it for him, but going around with Donghyuck, seeing him make up plans and ways to convince the bakery to sell him their unbaked goods, he finally realized what Renjun was talking about. 

Maybe it would've always been Donghyuck with his crazy ideas and eccentric ways; Jeno is sure he would follow Donghyuck to the ends of his existence just so he can listen to the boy concoct his new plan. 

"What are you thinking about?" Donghyuck asks, cutting short Jeno's mind ramblings.

The line doesn't move, and Jeno finds himself lying again, "the podcast."

"Oh yeah," Donghyuck remembers, "have you told the radio club about it?"

"Some know," Jeno says, "but there's nothing really all that finished yet."

Donghyuck hums, lost in thought.

"I can help," Donghyuck offers, and Jeno remembers himself that is part of their agreement.

"Honestly," Jeno laughs, "I'm taking whatever you can give, things are not going well."

Donghyuck smiles, a smile that says a lot without having to. Jeno knows that one; it's the same when Donghyuck creates an out of the blue plan or when he decides to use all his early allowance to buy a pasta roller—even if he had never made pasta in his life. 

"Don't do anything, like, illegal, though," Jeno reminds him, and Donghyuck pushes him out of the line. 

After almost two hours, they get seats by the window and Jeno has to pretend the stools aren't flattening his butt for the better part of an hour. Donghyuck talks about his exams and how his parents have decided to pick up pottery again—Jeno still has a plate Johnny made back when they were kids that is impossible to smash or eat from. They dread the idea of drinking from irregular cups again and how Doyoung and Johnny bicker from their clash of aesthetics every Christmas. 

The stir-fried noodles aren't that good, which Jeno already expected. Every time he ends up trailing along to Donghyuck's wishes, the food isn't all that good—it's mostly hype, but Donghyuck will swear by his life that that's his favorite restaurant until he finds another trend to explore. 

"I'll be right back," Donghyuck says when they are finished with their dinner. He leaves Jeno to go to the bathroom, and while alone, Jeno feels his cellphone buzz inside his pocket, fishing out to see what it is. 

Renjun  
  
I'm gonna order chicken tonight, you in?  
im on a date with hyuck  
omg  
what  
?????????  
One day people will study your level of masochism  
  


Jeno doesn't register Renjun's jab at him because he spots Donghyuck heading back to their counter table, and when he sees Jeno staring, he pulls a face, sticking out his tongue. 

There's nothing out of the ordinary, and Jeno wants to paint that as a picture so he can cherish it forever; Donghyuck and every single mole on his face, eyes black as the night sky and mouth red from the spicy dish—he's breathtaking without trying to be.

And Jeno finally realizes he bit more than he can chew with that stupid agreement of theirs because all Jeno can think about is how he doesn't want Donghyuck to look at anyone else the way he looks at Jeno. However, he understands why anyone would harbor romantic feelings towards this one boy.

"Are you ready to leave?" Donghyuck asks, "I footed our bill."

"Sure, where to?"

"I don't know," Donghyuck says, "surprise me."

  
  


🎙️

  
  


The idea to go against their university's radio couldn't have been from no one other than Chenle. Although, both Renjun and Jeno were completely on board when the younger told them about his plan. Jeno had personal motives as to why the radio station became uncomfortable to him, and their unwillingness to make their shows more inclusive had everything to do with it. 

Mark was the first one from outside the club who was roped into their plan; being the supportive friend he usually was, it took him no time to agree with Chenle. 

"What about songs? Are we doing songs on the podcast too?" 

"We don't need songs for a podcast," Chenle intervenes, mouth full of Doritos.

"I thought maybe we could use some of our own creations," Mark adds, "you know, from the music department, to get the word going."

Renjun is the first one to understand where Mark is trying to say, eyes glistening with realization, "Mark, you're a genius."

"He's not," Jisung says, turning to Mark with a pointed finger, "Mark, don't let that get to your head."

Before Mark can respond to Jisung, Donghyuck adds, "we could also invite people to talk about the university's clubs or their activities that week."

"I can get someone to add the subtitles," Jeno says, "and the transcripts."

"I'll do it," Renjun offers. 

They reached out to the visual arts department first, Ten being the senior they knew from there and who was down to help with their cover art—Renjun said he could do it, but they all agreed he already had a lot on his plate. 

Acquiring shooting equipment turned out to be the most demanding task. Since Jeno and Renjun were majoring in broadcast, they could get the cameras from their department; the problem was the schedule. Every equipment has to pass a thorough examination after being borrowed by a student, and those take time, so the list to take the cameras out are usually long—when Jeno first got into the university, his seniors advised them to put their name on the list in the very first week of the semester, and even doing so he still handed out assignments late. 

"We can try to film with our phones," Renjun says but he shivers from the idea of having to export all that footage from his phone later—and he knows no one of their friend group has enough disk storage to compress hours of filming.

"I can try and ask my dad if he has any old camera he can lend us," Donghyuck offers. 

It hadn't crossed Jeno's mind how Johnny works with photography for a living; Donghyuck and him having broken countless of Hyuck's father's cameras when they were little and wanted to mess around with the shiny object they mistook for a toy. 

"Oh yeah," Jeno says, picturing the lecture Johnny would give Donghyuck before agreeing to it, "that would be great."

Microphones are easier to find, and cheaper too. Most of the broadcasting students mistakenly buy one at the start of their college life, thinking they're making a smart purchase only to realize they never actually use the microphones—and when they need to, they can just use the department's tools. 

Meetings to discuss the possible outcomes are usually short and done by Jeno and Renjun's place. Most of the time, they are used as a hangout space—all their friends tagging along and disturbing all their serious conversations. 

Jeno starts to get antsy by the fourth time there's an interrupted gathering—this time, it's Jisung coming to crash their meeting because his classes were canceled that day. 

It's absurd how much Jeno's friends can transform into kindergarteners when they are together, and he realizes there's no way he will ever get anything done like that. It's one thing to make sure they have the right equipment; it's a whole other to make sure he has the right crew. 

Not wanting to cause a scene and realizing his dream might just be unachievable, Jeno retreats to his room, wanting nothing more than for everyone to leave his home and thoughts. 

Jeno hears the door to his room open but decides to keeps his eyes closed as he lied on his bed—if he had those cool glow in the dark stars on his ceiling like Renjun, perhaps he would've had his eyes open and saw the boy who sat next to him. 

"Real question," Donghyuck says, "do you want me to beat him up? I'm pretty sure I can take him."

Jeno laughs, relieved that Donghyuck is the one who decided to follow him to his room—his best friend had a knack for making him feel less stressed. 

"I think I got too ahead of myself."

"What for?"

"With all of this," Jeno explains, gesturing to the air, "no one seems interested in actually making this work."

The room stills. Jeno can feel Donghyuck lying down, his mattress dipping next to him, and he hears the boy sigh, "I think you're really cool, Jeno."

Out of everything Donghyuck could've said, Jeno isn't expecting praise. It's out of the blue and hilarious; the way Donghyuck says it seems like he's talking to a five-year-old, so Jeno can't help but erupt in laughter.

"What the fuck?" He asks, eyes opening to see Donghyuck's face resting on the mattress, looking at him and smiling, "why are you so awkward?"

"God, you're insufferable," Donghyuck rolls his eyes, "but you're really cool."

"Thanks."

"You can't make them care about your projects," Donghyuck continues, "but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be made, you know? Your idea makes sense."

"But no one listens to me," Jeno says, voice close to a whisper. 

"They all listen to you," Donghyuck corrects him, "you haven't been saying anything, though."

Jeno groans; maybe Donghyuck is right—he doesn't think he should be begging everyone to do their job; it's supposed to be a collective experiment. Perhaps they need leadership. 

"Okay, let's do it like this," Donghyuck suggests, "I'll start, and you get them going; how about that?"

"Give me a second."

Donghyuck stands up and leaves the room; Jeno is able to hear the commotion outside as soon as the door opens, and it's back to muffled screaming when it closes. 

"Okay, idiots," he hears Donghyuck scream, "let's fucking work, shall we?"

  
  


🎙️

  
  


The next time Jeno gets to see Donghyuck is when he is swamped with assignments. Jeno wants someone else to take a look at their new script, and, although he could ask anyone in his major, no one is as blunt as Donghyuck. 

"This sounds really dramatic," Donghyuck scrunches his nose at the last phrase he read, "you wrote this, didn't you?"

Jeno figured the script was a bit too much, and he did work on it while mostly in his feelings about Donghyuck and unrequited loves, so there might be a little bit of drama to it. That's also why he doesn't want anyone from his major checking; he would prefer to get the oblivious love of his life to do so. 

They are sitting at the library, books laying around and long forgotten, a single piece of content meant to serve as the pilot to Jeno's little project is resting on Donghyuck's hands, and the boy scans it all with hawk eyes. 

"Like, it's Romeo and Juliet kind of dramatic," Donghyuck flips the pages, realizing there's still a lot of words he didn't get to, "oh my god, Jeno."

"You could try to be a little nicer, though," Jeno frowns; he's sure it's not that bad. Okay, his script has a little flair, a little too much angst, but it's still decent, "I'm already self-conscious as it is."

"But you don't want me to," Donghyuck says, "if you wanted someone to be nice, you would've asked Jaemin to revise it."

Jaemin, out of their whole friend group, is probably the one with the sweetest words, too gentle for this world or Chenle's antics. He's also constantly busy and sleep-deprived since starting med school—it's a miracle finding time on his schedule, although Renjun somehow always manages to.

The truth is that Jeno could have gone to any of their friends with the script; he's sure even Mark would be happy to help out—even though he's also busy being a music producer's assistant. He could ask Renjun, him being his roommate was a plus since they could do late-night readings, but Renjun would see right through his words and call out his behavior—which is valid, but Jeno thinks there's something there, and Renjun would just scrap it all up. Chenle and Jisung are, at least right now, pretty much a package deal, and, after their Descartes assignment, Jeno doesn't want to give them more ammunition.

So it only leaves Donghyuck. 

Donghyuck, with his snarky comments and witty takes, is precisely who Jeno wants to review his work; if anyone could make it better, it's Donghyuck. 

"Do you think I should throw it all away?"

"No," Donghyuck says, a little bit too loud, startled by his friend's suggestion. They receive mean looks from all over, but Jeno's the only one bothered by it, "we can work with it."

Donghyuck sighs, forgetting all about his own assignments and starts to scribble on the paper next to Jeno's printed words. Most of the first page is gone, Donghyuck vetoing all of it; he works fast, humming to himself to see if the sentence structure feels off and looking over to Jeno when he gets to another cringy part. 

"Are you honestly going to read this out loud for thousands of people to hear?" Donghyuck asks, surprised by the amount of courage Jeno has.

"I don't know," Jeno says, playing with his pencil to pass the time; he has let the object fall so many times he's sure the next time he tries to sharpen it, the graffiti will pulverize in his hands, "we still haven't talked about how this is going to go, maybe it's gonna be Chenle or Renjun presenting it."

"Renjun is not gonna read this," Donghyuck laughs, "he's gonna refuse."

"To be fair," Jeno thinks, "I think I would prefer that over Chenle. He's gonna laugh every time and tell everyone I wrote it."

Donghyuck laughs louder at that, and Jeno has to throw an eraser at him to get him to be quiet; he's sure they are close to being asked to leave the building with the way the librarian is looking at them—which is funny because Jeno is pretty sure the back of that building is where people go to have sex, so maybe she should focus on _that_ instead of their bantering.

Donghyuck tangles his legs between Jeno's under the table, and it's incredible how fast Jeno's mouth dries up. They've done this before; most of the time they are together, Donghyuck and Jeno find a way to be touching each other—silent reminders that the other is there, that they can communicate through those too. 

Maybe that's why people assume they're dating, Jeno realizes. 

Donghyuck looks so engrossed with Jeno's sloppy writing that he might've done that by instinct, like they have millions of times before. He doesn't look affected by what's going on, eyes never leaving the paper, hair tousled from trying to get his bangs away from his face, pink lips muttering words to himself. 

The entire university knows Donghyuck is pretty; he's got an aura to him that's hard to miss, confidence soaring from the moment he walks into the room, all bright smiles and short temper. It's no wonder he sent so many people home with broken hearts, Jeno's about to get his broken too. 

"This is going to be for the first episode, right?" 

"Yeah," Jeno agrees, "I still have to get approval from our seniors, though."

Jeno doesn't want to step on anyone's shoes, that's not what the podcast is about, and he would be happy to leave it as soon as he can prove that the changes they want to make aren't flair; they're necessary. 

"I don't know if they'll agree with us," Jeno continues.

Donghyuck isn't paying attention to Jeno anymore, his eyes focusing on something behind the boy; by the look on his face, it's bad news. 

"Hey guys," a voice behind him says, "mind if I sit here?"

Yangyang. 

The sole reason Jeno is in this mess. 

It's not fair to Yangyang that Jeno feels this way, since the real problem with it all is Donghyuck—but Donghyuck has best friend's privilege, so he's set on blaming Yangyang. 

Jeno wants to freak out, mostly since Donghyuck didn't exactly give him any set of rules or boundaries and just told him to be himself—Jeno is clumsy, and he's truthful, and he's not great with awkward situations.

This, right here, is the epitome of awkward situations for him. He's in a stupid love triangle with his best friend that likes this other guy, but the other guy is dating someone new—although Hyuck swears they were flirting days before Yangyang came out with his boyfriend. It's not even a typical love triangle, since no one is actually invested in no one, it's more of a line. Jeno likes Donghyuck, Donghyuck likes Yangyang, and Yangyang likes his boyfriend.

Who _is_ Yangyang's boyfriend? Jeno doesn't even know the basics of their line, _oh my god._

It's too late; he's freaking out. 

"Be our guest," Donghyuck says, too calm and collected for the situation they are in, and Jeno shoots him a look—he isn't sure what he wants to communicate with the said look, but Donghyuck gets it anyway. 

Jeno feels the sharp jolt of pain before he can even register Yangyang smiling at him—and he thinks again it has to do with Yangyang before he can understand what's really going on; Donghyuck kicks him on the shin under the table, and Jeno is sure he's gonna have a bruise tomorrow, it takes all of his concentration and love for his best friend not to yell at him. Instead, he smiles back at Yangyang, a little too desperate.

"Thanks," Yangyang says, "I didn't realize the library would be so packed."

It isn't, and Jeno wants to point that out. There are a lot of empty tables, no one really goes to the library anymore, not ever since the university digitized most of the books the students needed for their classes. Donghyuck himself only liked going to the library because it was the quietest place to be, which meant no background noise when someone would try to talk to him.

"It's really not," Jeno mutters to himself. 

If anyone hears it, they all ignore it. 

Donghyuck keeps to himself, eyes glued to the script, which not only makes Jeno nervous because it's his writing, but it also leaves Jeno to be the one to start small talk with Yangyang, and he realizes he knows nothing about the guy.

"So, Yangyang," Jeno starts, "what do you do?"

"I'm sorry?"

"You know," Jeno continues, sure he's putting his foot in his mouth, "what's your deal?"

"What?" The question comes from Donghyuck instead, who stops reading and looks amused by the exchange in front of him. 

"I mean like," Jeno wants to bury himself alive, "what do you do outside of your major?"

"Oh," Yangyang's frown softens, and he's back to smiling, "I'm part of the basketball team, and I hang out with my friends?"

 _Of course_ he's a basketball player; they always are. Jeno feels like it's valid to point out Donghyuck has some sort of a _problem_ , and he reminds himself to save that information for later in the back of his mind jumbled with all the silent screaming he's doing.

"I work on our uni's radio," Jeno answers when Yangyang asks him the same question back, "other than that, I just cry over my assignments."

God, it was meant to be a joke, and Jeno feels like his entire life just became sadder with his last statement. 

"Oh yeah," Yangyang lights up, "I've heard you; I like your radio voice."

"Thanks."

Yangyang is _so nice_. Donghyuck ignores them after Jeno's first slip, and they spend the afternoon talking. Yangyang tells him how he met Renjun through a mutual friend, and they gush over a few tv shows they have in common. Jeno feels a little bad when Donghyuck closes his books and tells Yangyang they are leaving, as he realizes he didn't let the poor boy study at all. 

"There's gonna be a party at Hendery's house this Saturday," Yangyang tells them when they're leaving, "you guys should come."

Jeno has an abundance of things popping up in his mind, all excuses not to go—apparently, once he starts lying, he feels the need to keep adding to it. Maybe he's going to turn out to be one of those people addicted to lying; maybe Donghyuck will be his downfall. 

Jeno's gonna end up in jail somehow, and it's going to be Donghyuck's fault; he can feel it. 

"Sure," Donghyuck smiles, oblivious to Jeno's quiet monologue, "sounds fun."

That afternoon when they are going home, Donghyuck drops the bomb that makes everything change, "I talked to some of my professors about the podcast," he says, "and a few were interested in advising if it were to become a thing."

"What?"

Jeno stops walking, and it prompts Donghyuck to turn around and look at him, beaming a smile from his accomplishment. 

"You said you were having a hard time finding people to back you up," Donghyuck explains, "I thought maybe the people down at computer science could help out. Turns out we can."

It's funny how Jeno realizes now he should've thought about this sooner, how much time he could've saved from adding Donghyuck to the equation not only as a possible listener to the radio but as a problem solver. Out of their friends, Donghyuck is the wittiest and the one who usually has his ways no matter what. 

They keep walking, this time with Donghyuck walking backwards and Jeno half paying attention to what he's saying and half paying attention to where they're going. Unlike Donghyuck, he didn't want to let his friend fall back or trample someone—he knew how painful those could get.

"How did you do that?"

"Honestly," Donghyuck ponders, "I just presented the idea. I'm also thinking of creating an inclusivity club, or something like that, for people to share their grievances and have a safe space, you know?"

"We could promote it on the podcast," Jeno offers.

"I would like that."

Jeno sees the bench before the accident happens, pulling Donghyuck aside so they could both stray from harm's way, and Donghyuck doesn't let go of Jeno's hand, choosing to walk beside him.

"Yangyang plays basketball, huh?" Jeno tends to sabotage his own happiness and can't seem to stop even if he wants to.

"Yeah," Donghyuck says, looking annoyed, "so?"

"You have a pattern right there, don't tell me you didn't realize."

This time it's Donghyuck that stops walking, puzzled for a second until memories from their high school come rushing in, and he laughs through the sunset. 

"You seriously forgot you almost got me _expelled?_ " Jeno asks, exasperated by Donghyuck's reaction.

"I'm sorry," he says between fits of laughter, "I didn't realize. Is that why you kept shooting me glances at the library?"

"Yeah," Jeno confirms, "and you kicked my shin pretty hard, you asshole."

"I don't care about his sports activities, Jeno."

"You don't?"

"Yeah," Donghyuck says, "I've decided I'm gonna take things slow."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," Donghyuck doesn't give him much explanation, only interlaces their fingers as they walk home, "I just feel like it's the best route."

Even if Jeno wanted to listen to Renjun and put a stop to what they're doing, he can't. All the roads in his life lead to Donghyuck; it has been like that since they were little—the one constant in Jeno's life is knowing the boy is waiting for him at the end of the day. 

Donghyuck was Jeno's first _everything_. At least everything that really mattered to him; Donghyuck was his first crush, his first love, and his first kiss. He wasn't his first boyfriend, first time having sex or first confession. Donghyuck was, however, the first person Jeno told all his experiences to. 

Donghyuck was the one who inspired and encouraged him to pursue broadcasting; they looked for colleges together, and by the end, decided to go to the same place. 

He has the time of his life whenever Hyuck is around, even if he makes a fool out of himself—Donghyuck is always right there when it happens, cheering him on and never letting Jeno feel self-conscious about it. 

"Thanks for taking me home," Donghyuck says as they stand in front of his dorm, hands still clasped together and no signs of separating. 

"You're weird today," Jeno thinks out loud, amused by Donghyuck's behavior throughout the day. They never say thanks to each other for those small gestures, and Jeno doesn't believe they should start now.

"You're weird every day, and I don't say anything about it," Donghyuck fights back.

"Touché," Jeno laughs, "see you tomorrow, Hyuck."

Donghyuck leans closer, and time stops for a second, as Donghyuck's lips find Jeno's cheek to press a fleeting kiss there. 

He should ask; Jeno should stop his beating heart for a second and ask Donghyuck what that's about.

He should. 

He doesn't. 

"See you tomorrow, Jeno."

  
  


🎙️

  
  


The party is when it all starts to go down. 

Jeno doesn't want to be nervous, but his body never seems to respect his wishes, so he finds himself staring at the mirror in his bathroom and wondering if it would be too sad to give a pep talk right now—with the way his stomach churns, he's in dire need of one.

"You can do this, Jeno," he says, so low it's almost inaudible, "it's just a party."

Jeno had gone to parties before; this would be the same people that he always saw. Today, however, he would have to put on a smile and lie to a room filled with colleagues, and he's not so sure he can do it. 

But he has to, because Hyuck needs him, and it's really not that dramatic—Jeno's just spiraling out of control. It's gonna be a party like any other, with drunk young adults and poor choices. This time, he won't be making any, because Jeno decided not to drink—and he's the designated driver for that night.

"Are you ready?" Renjun asks, appearing in the bathroom at that moment. After seeing Renjun wake up so many times and him threatening people who grouped with him in classes whenever he needed to vent, Jeno almost forgets how attractive his friend is—moments like these put him in his place, though. 

Jeno doesn't think he'll ever be ready, though, and that's the only constant in his college life, so he agrees. 

They drop by Donghyuck's dorm to get him and Jisung, who had been leeching off of Hyuck the entire day, trying to get the answers for the psychology class he knew Donghyuck had taken before. From the looks of it when they arrived, Jisung had been successful with it, despite texting Jeno earlier that evening telling him to control his fake boyfriend.

"Busy day?" Jeno asks when they hop in the car, getting a grunt from Jisung and a smile from Donghyuck.

"We had so much fun," Donghyuck says, "Jisung owes me five lunches."

"You know," Renjun says, looking at Jisung, "one day you'll have to start actually studying for your classes."

Jisung scoffs, imitating Renjun's voice before replying to him.

"As if I try to get _your_ answers."

Jisung has always proven to be incredibly sneaky when it comes to studying, which is precisely why Jeno thinks he's going to end up being some rich, powerful CEO someday; he always looks for the easiest way out, getting either stellar grades or just enough not to be held back—his plans usually involve taking the classes his older friends had already taken, and carefully never letting any of his professors know he hangs out with them.

Jeno scoffs, and Jisung has to press his body against the window to dodge Renjun's punches. Luckily for him, Renjun is tiny, and Jeno's car is spacious, so the older man does not manage to reach him. 

"You little piece of shit," Renjun barks. 

"Oh my god," Jisung exclaims, terrorized by the anger, "Jeno, tell him to stop."

"What makes you think Renjun listens to _me_?"

"It's _your_ car."

"He doesn't care about things like that," Jeno smiles through the rearview, catching sight of Donghyuck's bright eyes.

Donghyuck smiles back, "let's just go before someone dies."

They get to the party later than usual—theatrical flair, Donghyuck explains— and there are no signs of anyone they know. Hendery was their senior by one year, so their groups would sometimes get mixed up, but judging by the people in the boy's living room, it was almost like they stepped into an alternative universe.

"Are we at the right place?" Jeno asks Donghyuck—although Hendery is majoring in Music like Mark, his crowd consists of people in Donghyuck's department.

"Probably," Donghyuck replies.

"It smells funny in here," Jisung scrunches his nose, "are you guys smelling it?"

"Jisung, you're the cutest," Renjun coos at him, hands on the boy's shoulders.

"I know all the smells I'm supposed to," Jisung eyes Renjun, angry at the remark, "this is not it; it smells like dirty laundry or something."

Jeno tries to smell whatever Jisung is describing, but he doesn't get to, attention shifting to another subject.

Yangyang appears on top of the stairs, bright, happy, and too pretty to be true. 

He might have gasped loudly, because the next thing he knows is Donghyuck is pulling him closer and whispering. 

"Please, be cool," Donghyuck hisses, "don't get all nervous on me right now."

"That wounds me," Jeno complains, "when am I not cool?"

Renjun snickers but doesn't dare to say anything. He had roommate privileges and had seen the copious amount of Spongebob underwear Jeno wore, and had also caught him dancing alone in his room more times than he would ever want to. 

Donghyuck, on the other hand, had been with Jeno for most of his life; he had seen the good _and_ the bad. Sure, he once saw Jeno rescue one of their friends from a haunted house when they were eleven, but he had also seen milk snort out of his nose when they were thirteen so those experiences balanced each other out. 

"I'm not gonna answer that," Donghyuck replies, "we're not gonna fight tonight."

"You guys came!" The one who greets them is Yukhei, Hendery's flatmate, "there's beer in the fridge; help yourselves out. Renjun, I gotta introduce you to someone, come with me."

Renjun leaves with Yukhei, and Jisung texts Chenle to find out where he is; as soon as they get there, Jeno and Donghyuck are left alone with each other. 

"Do you want something to drink?" Donghyuck asks, eyeing the kitchen—where Yangyang had just gone into.

"I'm good," Jeno says, heavyhearted, "I'm gonna go find Jaemin."

He doesn't see Donghyuck again for the first hour there; Jeno stays with Jaemin and Chenle at the rooftop, chatting about meaningless topics, from the newest game Chenle was trying out to Jaemin's traumatic classes. 

That might be the only place in the house that isn't as crowded, and they take full advantage of it. Neither Chenle nor Jaemin liked to be on those improvised dance floors, so they usually left the party to find quieter spaces. The talks they had when they thought their friends were drunk were always the most entertaining. 

"I'm telling you," Jaemin laughs, beer getting to his cheeks, "I almost threw up when it was my turn."

"Are you sure you want to be a doctor?" Chenle asks, questioning Jaemin's sanity, "that seems concerning."

"Says the dude who has begged the administration to let him change majors twice already," Jeno pokes fun at his friend, and Jaemin cheers him on, patting Chenle's knee. 

"I hate you both," Chenle rolls his eyes, "at least I try."

The comment isn't intended to be a callout, but it still feels like one. Both Jaemin and Jeno shut up immediately—which is strange, Jeno knows why _he's_ quiet, but he has no clue why Jaemin would be too. 

And Chenle is right; Jeno doesn't try. He takes what others offer him, even if it's not enough, and convinces himself he's okay with the outcome. The only time he sets his foot down is with the podcast, and even that is heading to an awful start; he doesn't try; Jeno only watches as life passes by, hoping some kind of fate will smile his way. 

He _wants_ to try; he craves that spark too. All his outbursts come from Donghyuck starting them for him—having him as a best friend is both a blessing and a curse for it. So he doesn't try, not until he gets his green light.

The awareness dawns on him as he plays out their interactions, worrying he is reading too much into it and kicking himself for not realizing it sooner. Donghyuck gives him a head start, and Jeno tries it out. It's always been like that. 

"I'll be right back," Jeno says.

Jeno isn't sure how this is gonna play it out or if he's even in his right mind, but he gets up from his place at the rooftop and tells his boys he has to go pee. Instead of staying in line to the bathroom, he goes back to the kitchen, to the last room he saw Donghyuck disappear to. 

Donghyuck isn't there anymore, but he finds Renjun and Jisung enthralled in one of their conversations that quickly consume hours of their lives, and he doesn't find the heart to bother them with questions he's sure they wouldn't know the answers to as well.

So Jeno wanders from the kitchen to the living room, front porch, and gardens, and when he's ready to call it quits and phone the one he's looking for, he hears the laughter. 

"Hey, hot stuff," Donghyuck calls him out, smiling back at him.

Donghyuck is standing near the door, beer in hand and eyes glowing with something Jeno recognizes now, as it's the same expression he carries most of the time: hope. It could be for many things, and Jeno could be _seeing_ things—he isn't sure what Jisung smelled as they got there, but there's a lot of smoke dancing around the house, enough to get anyone a little buzzed. So everything could be in his head, but he ought to try, at least once. 

Jeno counts his blessings, hoping every and any higher being would look over him right now as he walks over to where Donghyuck is, hands coming to cradle Donghyuck's face. There's a moment of hesitation, where he lets Donghyuck understand what's about to happen, and when the other boy doesn't move, Jeno plants a kiss on his lips. 

It's quick and underwhelming, Donghyuck's lips are moist from the beer, and the action is over before Jeno can form an excuse as to why he's doing this. It takes his breath away anyway, to have finally acted on his wishes—to have finally kissed Lee Donghyuck. 

Donghyuck looks at him, eyes squinting as he can't be sure what prompted that action, but he is still smiling.

"Hi," Donghyuck says, at last, questions left unsaid.

"Hello," Jeno responds, making sure this time Donghyuck is looking at his lips for another reason, "do you want to dance?"

"Sure."

Jeno doesn't see Yangyang for the rest of the party, and he doesn't look for the boy anymore; he can only hope Donghyuck is doing the same. They don't dance much, Jeno getting dizzy from the flashing lights, and Donghyuck is annoyed from not getting to see his partner's face clearly, so they decide to retreat to the rooftop, where Chenle and Jisung are, but no signs of Jaemin anymore. 

Donghyuck kisses him again on the staircase, where no one can see them, "returning the favor," he says.

He doesn't quite understand what's going on—and to be fair, Jeno doesn't understand a lot when it comes to his best friend. But he's elated, Jeno is on cloud nine, and it has everything to do with Donghyuck interlacing his fingers as they chat the night away with Jisung and Chenle. 

It's a little over three in the morning when Jeno decides to check his phone, so he can gather the people he came with and leave the house. The party is pretty much over as Jeno sees the poor brave, and drunken souls leave the residence one by one—there are no signs of Hendery in the house, nor Yukhei or Yangyang, so Jeno makes a mental note to tell them he had a good time later.

Renjun  
  
Not feeling very well  
Maybe im gonna go home  
Where r u  
...  
is that u and hyuck  
o my god we WILL talk later  
i got a cab dw  
shit im sorry :(((  
im going home rn  
do u need anything?  
jun?  
  


"Renjun's already home," Jeno tells the other guys, "he said he wasn't feeling very well. Shall we?"

"I think I'm gonna stay back," Jisung says, "I'll go home with Chenle instead."

"I can take you both if you want," Jeno offers, Chenle lives a little further away from campus, but since he's the designated driver and he loves late-night rides, Jeno doesn't care all that much.

"It's okay," Chenle says, "I brought my car too."

Jeno, to no fault of his own, ends up driving only Donghyuck back home. Other than the beer he saw on Donghyuck's hand when they found each other again, he knew the boy hadn't drunk any more alcohol, so the ride back was filled with nervous tingles and sober thoughts. 

"You're spiraling," Donghyuck says, eyes on Jeno's erect posture. 

"I'm not."

"So you sit like there's a stick up your butt for fun?"

"It's called having great posture, Donghyuck," Jeno replies, "you limp sack of potatoes."

The air between them is lighter than Jeno thought it would be, and it turns even brighter when Donghyuck laughs at Jeno's poor excuse of an insult—Jeno tries to appear mad but it only makes Donghyuck coo at him, so Jeno laughs along. 

"Are you sleepy?"

"Not really," Donghyuck answers.

This time, they drive by Donghyuck's dorm on purpose, and Jeno doesn't slow down, letting their campus and buildings turn tiny on his rearview mirror; they head to the outskirts of town, where Jeno knows they can see the stars better and it reminds him of the night sky from the farm they visited when they were little. 

He doesn't tell Donghyuck why he wants him to see it, but there's a silent awe between them as Jeno turns off the car, and they are engulfed by darkness, only the brightness of the stars shining on them. 

"Oh, wow," is all Donghyuck can utter. 

Donghyuck is intoxicating. Jeno had been drunk on him for over ten years now and never thought of quitting. Right now, as he watches Donghyuck let his head hang back, looking at the stars or laughing at some dumb story he was telling, he couldn't be more in love. 

Everything about this one boy seems made for him, like they are meant to be together somehow, in any shape or form. If Donghyuck wants friendship, he will have so. If he asks for more, Jeno will comply. There's nothing in this world Jeno wouldn't do for his best friend. 

The best friend he is completely in love with. He's in love with his way of talking, his snarky comebacks to his friends, how fake he can be near Jeno's parents —never dropping the good guy act—, how cute he is when excited, how sexy he can be while doing his job.

"Thank you for doing this with me," Donghyuck says when they stop laughing, leaning into Jeno's shoulder, resting his head there. 

"Of course."

They look at each other's face, trying to read the expressions there with the little light they had, Jeno's about to ask Donghyuck if he wants him to turn on the lights when he feels Donghyuck's fingers on his cheek, and he freezes. 

Jeno leans in, and Donghyuck complies; they had already touched lips that night, so what was one more to remember anyway? Jeno's sure all of this will become an arsenal of painful memories later on, but he didn't want to run away from them. 

This kiss is different, Donghyuck's lips linger, and Jeno can feel his cheeks tingle, electricity rising up as Donghyuck sighs into the kiss, granting the opening Jeno isn't aware he's asking, but they meet each other in the middle, open-mouthed and clumsy, like all first kisses are.

But this isn't their first kiss; Jeno and Donghyuck have already shared more than that, so they can only laugh when the kiss turns messy, and Donghyuck retreats to his seat so he could gather himself again, and he pulls Jeno back with him, mouths fitting as if they're finally meant to be. 

It's seamless, and Jeno doesn't need to know where he ends and Donghyuck begins; his hands are on the boy's hair, pulling him closer, and Donghyuck's hands are trailing down Jeno's spine, sending shivers to his core and back, making him gasp when Donghyuck finds the hem of his shirt and slips his hand under. 

Jeno snaps back to reality almost at the same time as Donghyuck's icy hand touches his skin, eyes opening and realizing they shouldn't be there; Jeno is the substitute, and he's only hurting himself further. 

"We should go," Jeno says, happy he can't see Donghyuck's eyes, scared he can't see his expression at all.

They don't say goodbye to each other when Donghyuck leaves for his dorm, and Jeno can't help but feel this time it's not because he doesn't like the farewell.

  
  


🎙️

  
  


Donghyuck avoids Jeno for the first two days after the party and Jeno only decides to talk to him again because Renjun threatens to change the locks to their apartment and leave him to sleep outside if he doesn’t solve their unresolved issues with his fake boyfriend.

“I swear to god, Jeno,” Renjun’s almost growling and it freaks Jeno out how low his voice can get when he’s trying to be scary, “I will sell all your prized possessions.”

“It’s really,” Jeno doesn’t know what to tell him to make Renjun believe, but he tries anyway, “not that deep.”

“Then you should be talking to him,” Renjun says, “and stop blasting your sad songs when I get home, I swear I’m gonna destroy your speakers.”

“Those are expensive.”

“I’m not gonna pay for them back,” Renjun threatens, “so I suggest you check your problems with your boyfriend by the time I get home today.”

The problem is that there’s no issue, at least not from Jeno’s perspective. The night of the party was a dream and he wants to keep it that way; Jeno knows as soon as he talks to Donghyuck his magical imagination will turn into a shattered reality, and he’s not ready for that. 

The courage Jeno had gathered for the entire month was used all that night, so he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to pull such a stunt again, but the weather is starting to get colder and he also doesn’t want to sleep outside, so he looks for Donghyuck. 

It isn’t easy to understand what goes on inside Donghyuck’s head; it never really was. Sure, Jeno knows his motivations and he sometimes even agrees to a certain extent, but right now he’s just flabbergasted.

“It’s just a kiss,” Donghyuck shrugs; he doesn’t meet Jeno’s eyes and Jeno’s unsure if that’s his way of downplaying it or if he doesn’t want to hear the boy’s side, “we’ve done more than that when we were sixteen.”

The mention of their escapades and discoveries always made Jeno blush, if he was a little bit brighter he would’ve learned right then that his feelings were greater than just camaraderie and curiosity—only he wasn’t, so it took him years to finally realize Donghyuck was, and still is, the boy of his dreams. 

“Oh my god,” Jeno exclaims, exasperated, “don’t bring that up.”

Donghyuck laughs, rolling his eyes at Jeno’s reaction.

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t,” Jeno denies; Donghyuck is far from being uncomfortable to Jeno, “I’m sorry too.”

Jeno is right when he says he’s gonna have his heart broken, and he can feel as it starts to crack—puny noises made for only Jeno to experience. They don’t talk about it anymore, and they go a week at being at arm's length until Jeno finds his courage again. 

Donghyuck loves physical contact, it’s an established fact in their relationship, but ever since that night, it’s almost like touching became a prohibited topic. 

They go out, they spend time alone together, Donghyuck still forces Jeno to eat those horrible burnt cookies he left in the oven for too long, and Jeno still joins Donghyuck for his late night talks with his parents—Johnny agrees to send them some of his old cameras, but he isn’t sure if any of those still work. The call ends like any other and the space between them is only noticeable when Donghyuck evades Jeno’s touch as soon as the screen turns black.

“What’s wrong?” Jeno asks, lying down on his bed.

“What?” Donghyuck notices the distance between them, “nothing, sorry, I guess I’m in my head.”

Jeno nods in recognition, unsure why Donghyuck would be so cautious. 

“Are you uncomfortable?” Jeno decides to ignore the tug on his heart when the words fall out of his mouth, choosing to keep his eyes and mind on Donghyuck’s wellbeing. 

Donghyuck takes a moment to answer, a moment too long and any answer looks fake in Jeno's eyes. It's not customary of Donghyuck to take his time thinking, especially when he's around Jeno and knows nothing will be used against him—Jeno kept it secrets others would have paid money to know, even the time Donghyuck confided he liked to add soy sauce to his ice cream.

“No,” he finally manages to say, words soft, "you're just really good at this."

"This what?"

"The boyfriend thing," Donghyuck laughs, "it's throwing me off."

"I'm giving you the whole package," Jeno says, trying to keep his face serious but a smile creeps on him, "you did summon our friendship book and emotional manipulation to get me to agree with this, after all."

Jeno has his eyes closed, trying to ignore the bright lights on his room, and he can only register the sting from Donghyuck poking his sides; it's part painful and part tickling, a horrible combination that usually ends up with Jeno having bruises on his ribs.

"Fuck, Donghyuck," Jeno says, panting from trying to contain his laughter, "stop that."

Donghyuck lies down next to Jeno, one elbow sustaining his head so he could look at his friend; Jeno smiles back, aware they are closer to the dangerous zone from that night, thoughts going wild.

"Where's Renjun?" Donghyuck asks, eyes wandering to every inch of Jeno's face but his eyes.

"He said he was gonna hang out at Jaemin's place," Jenos tells him.

“Oh my god,” Donghyuck rolls his eyes at Jeno’s innocence, “you know they’re fucking, right?”

Jeno looks up at him, “they are _not_.”

Or maybe they were? Donghyuck has always been far more perceptive to his surroundings than Jeno would ever be—it still struck his ego having to know something about his own roommate from a guy who was, essentially, not his roommate. 

“Wait,” Jeno can’t help but ask, “are they?”

“Oh, come on,” Donghyuck pokes him once again, “how many times have you seen Jaemin this year? But he has time for Renjun? _Every_ week?”

“Renjun’s a delight to be around,” Jeno offers—he feels like he should protect the honor of his friend, roommate code and all that jazz, “plus, I have time for you every week.”

Jeno doesn’t mean for that to sound romantically charged, he’s too caught up on defending his friend to realize the words coming out of his mouth could be taken some way other than what he thought about—innocent bonding time. Of course he liked Donghyuck, the fake boyfriend, but he also missed Donghyuck, the friend. 

Although, fake boyfriend duties had been clouding up his mind all the damn time these days, and it was a rollercoaster. Being around Donghyuck felt nice, having the liberty to express his feelings was everything Jeno ever wanted, but as soon as he was alone, he couldn’t help but feel lost, as if the blurred lines of their relationship were making him lose his sense of reality. 

“You do.”

Jeno tries not to look at Donghyuck's lips, a painful reminder of their last night together, when he almost took a step he shouldn't. It's a good thing Donghyuck isn't looking at Jeno's eyes, it's a bad thing Donghyuck's eyes are also looking at Jeno's lips.

This time, Jeno doesn't start, it's Donghyuck who lowers his head until their lips are touching, chaste, brief, surprising. It's only for the split of a second, and Jeno closes his eyes again, afraid of what he could find on his fake boyfriend's face.

He sighs, and feels the weight of Donghyuck's lips on his again.

This time, the kiss lingers again. They are alone and don’t need to pretend, and yet, Jeno finds Donghyuck stalling. Lips pressed against each other, fingers on cheekbones, bodies close. He’s soft, the same boy who decided not to go on their class field trip when they were fourteen so he could stay at home with a sick Jeno, but also the same man who trampled over Jeno’s feelings with his oblivious ways. He’s soft, and this kiss is more like the first one they had when they were eleven. 

It’s still a little awkward, they stay in that position for a while and Jeno starts to wonder if he should draw away. His heart pounds so fast he’s not entirely sure Donghyuck isn’t able to feel it, and his mind keeps running through all the possibilities. 

If Jeno could only gather up the courage to tell him how he really feels. He knows by now Renjun is right, there’s no going back from where they were, and Jeno can’t seem to run away. He’s never been able to, all he could do is hope Donghyuck was nice enough to not break his heart in too many pieces — it’s already hard enough with the cracks showing. 

This time, Donghyuck doesn’t pull away. He lets his lips part, taking in the stillness of this moment and Jeno’s scent — cologne mixed with orange juice, Donghyuck’s favorite smell after a day together. He lets his lips part, and Jeno follows along, Donghyuck’s tongue slipping to meet Jeno’s for the very first time that night, tasting the sweetness of the boy’s fruity drinks, hands reaching for Jeno’s face, cupping his jaw and cheeks. All actions are careful, slow, and _right_. 

Right like Jeno always knew they would be, they find their rhythm quick, and Donghyuck is eager to keep going, mouth soft but movements precise, keeping Jeno on his toes with new theories forming in his head. 

Donghyuck kisses remind Jeno of their late nights scary stories, all giggles and anxious feelings, and he’s twelve years old again, when it’s just the two of them, no one else, and Jeno knows what Hyuck is feeling just from his breathing patterns—except he has never heard those patterns, these are quick, and there’s gasping coming from both sides, and Jeno knows what this is, he just never heard it from _Donghyuck_ before. 

It’s everything and it’s them and Donghyuck is on top of him, kissing like he means it, like he likes it, and Jeno can feel his heart shattering a little more, he can also see Hyuck bandaging what seems impossible. 

They should talk, Jeno should stop and ask him what they are doing, but it’s hard when Donghyuck clouds his mind with his little sounds, whispers that amount to nothing but unintelligible thoughts, and their hands are under shirts, touching hips, waist, _skin_. 

They don’t get to talk or go any further, because Renjun opens the door thinking his roommate might’ve dried himself up crying since he doesn’t hear any music blasting inside their house, and he’s graced with a sight that’s probably gonna haunt his dreams for weeks.

“Oh my god,” Renjun squeals, “I’m sorry.”

The worst part of it all is that Renjun isn't alone and Jeno can hear Jaemin’s laughter reverberating through their apartment, loud and happy, taunting them. 

Donghyuck laughs back, only because it’s ridiculous, and he makes sure to get Jeno comfortable again before they can step out and be scrutinized by their friends; they don’t talk about it, and the days go by like that.

“Do you want to talk about it with me?” Renjun asks on a sunday morning, getting fed up with Jeno’s sighs. 

“No,” Jeno says, “I’m okay.”

It’s a lie, but as he realized from their months together, Jeno is getting good at those, and he can only hope he starts to fall for his lies as well. 

  
  


🎙️

  
  


A week goes by, and Donghyuck goes radio silent; he leaves the cameras Johnny has sent them by Jeno's apartment door, but there are no signs of him anywhere. 

"I think you should call him," Renjun says, "there's a lot going on, and I don't think Yangyang is even involved in all of this anymore."

The name sounds silly in Renjun's mouth, and only because the third party to Jeno's problems feels insignificant now. If he could only understand what's going on, even if it's to know Donghyuck loves someone else and he has no chance, he would be okay with it. 

Not having his best friend is the part he's not okay with. 

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," Renjun takes a bite of his dinner, "he's not even seeing anyone? I asked Yukhei this week."

"He's not?"

"To be fair," Renjun keeps going, "he went on dates, but nothing exclusive, so I don't know what Donghyuck was talking about."

"Donghyuck wants the exclusivity label," Jeno explains, understanding now the mess inside Renjun's mind, "so he thought the best way to show the guy he was flirting with was to give him an example to follow."

There's so much displeasure in Renjun's eyes that Jeno thinks they are going to pop out of his skull, and the only aspiring doctor he knows and can call is Jaemin—the same guy that told him he faints from the sight of blood. So if anything happens, they are pretty much screwed. 

"You agree that's stupid, right?"

Jeno doesn't respond vocally, but he lowers his head to the table, and Renjun takes it as a yes. 

"I think he needs space."

"Bullshit," Renjun bites back, "he doesn't get to deal all his cards and leave like this, have some respect for yourself, Jeno."

It's easier said than done when Jeno's life revolves around making sure others, especially Donghyuck, are okay. He might not be the best at handling his own problems, but he's excellent at being a shoulder to cry on and an ear to hear others' concerns—he just never thought he would become one to Donghyuck himself. 

He takes Renjun's advice to some extent and texts Donghyuck, hoping this is all some fever dream, and maybe Jeno is in a coma having a well-crafted nightmare.

Donghyuck  
  
the guys are going to the bar near chenles place friday  
u in?  
  


When he doesn't receive any reply for the next couple of hours, Jeno tries again. 

Donghyuck  
  
i want u to come )):  
  


The first batch of assignments are finally over, which means they can drink the night away without worrying about tests and word counts for a few weeks until it all starts again. Jeno and his friends usually go to the bar near campus, but tonight they decided to get away and crash at Chenle's place if they need to. 

Laughter and relief run the place as soon as the first round of beers gets to the table, Jaemin making some dumb impression of a show he watches in his spare time and Jisung being offended by the usage of the term dumb to describe his favorite tv show. 

Renjun pokes Jeno a few times, making sure he's okay, and Jeno leaves the table when he's fed up with the reminders that he's not being a good company. He asks another round for everyone and hangs back by the bathroom, the line being big enough to grant him a few minutes alone. 

That is until he hears someone clear their throat next to him.

"You came," Jeno realizes as Donghyuck stands in front of him, tired eyes and strained smile.

"I did," he agrees, "thought I should say hi to you first, so you don't freak out when you see me at the table."

"I wasn't going to."

"Okay."

Silence reigns for a minute before Jeno can find a topic to talk about. 

"How were your tests?"

"A nightmare, I haven't slept in days," Donghyuck says, "did you get my dad's package?"

The conversation between them is robotic, weird since they left things unanswered—they don't know how to get back to where they were, but the tension isn't all that bad. It's proof Jeno isn't reading too much into things, and he lets himself hope because of it. 

Everyone at the bar is too loud and too drunk to even care about Donghyuck's appearance or Jeno's sudden change of heart—if they were being real, drunk or not, no one really cared about them either way. It's a given that Jeno and Donghyuck would get together sometime; that's what everyone had been waiting for anyway. 

Despite the lack of response, Donghyuck doesn't seem to mind the lack of attention, morphing to a seat next to Jeno and starting a conversation with Jaemin. Renjun looks over at them, eyes searching for Jeno's to make sure he doesn't have to intervene, and Jeno feels irritation for the first time as he glances back at his friend.

At the end of the day, this choice is his too, and he can't believe it, but Jeno thinks Jaemin is right when he says they can't force someone to make a decision. Just as Jeno can't make Donghyuck like him back, Renjun can't protect his friend from heartbreak; that's just not how it works.

Seeing the situation reversed, he feels stupid. 

"I'll get us something to drink," Jeno says, leaving the table for the second time that night. 

There's so much he doesn't understand, so many words laced with complicated feelings from both sides, and it's not fair for both of them. Donghyuck doesn't shy away from Jeno, but he doesn't look for him, and it's somehow worse that way. 

It's strange, and something has shifted since that day in the car; if Jeno can feel it, he's sure Donghyuck—who's far more perceptive—can too. They don't talk about it, they let things go, but Donghyuck's gaze falls on him, and Donghyuck makes sure to look away first; there's more of the unanswered glances between them, and Jeno feels torn between hopeful and hopeless. 

Jeno tries his hardest not to let his heart skip a beat, but tonight there's no Yangyang, so they create a show for no audience. And there's no one to put him in his place, the only one Donghyuck smiles at longer and plays along with the jokes is Jeno, he's the only one who gets undivided attention.

Jeno can't help but feel invincible _and_ stupid. 

"Are you okay?" Donghyuck asks, standing at the counter with him, away from their friends.

"Uh, yeah," Jeno lies, "I'm just a bit tired."

"Want me to take you home?" The worry in Donghyuck's voice only makes him confused, and Jeno decides to cut it all once and for all.

"Renjun said Yangyang isn't dating anyone exclusively," he says, "you should shoot your shot; he looked interested."

Donghyuck looks stunned.

"What?"

"We can tell the others we've decided to just stay friends," Jeno continues, "or maybe come clean; I don't want Yangyang to have a thing against me."

"Why would he?"

"You know how some people don't like when their significant other stays friends with their exes," Jeno explains, "I don't want that for us; you have to stay my friend."

Maybe it's the beer talking, but Jeno can't seem to _shut up_. He's burning every single bridge he ever built in a span of three minutes of dialogue, it's a feat, and maybe he should be congratulated for it—at least there's closure, and it's on his own terms.

The bartender hands out their beers, and Jeno walks back to their booth, choosing to stand this time and give himself some space from Renjun.

He's not so sure how it happens because he's first talking to Mark and some of his friends, and later, he's being excused by Donghyuck and getting shoved into the tiny bathroom inside the bar, one that really shouldn't have two people in it.

"Hyuck," Jeno groans, he's almost sitting down on the toiled from how cramped up it is there, "what the fuck."

But that's all he can say before Donghyuck is kissing him. This time, it's not sweet, it's forceful and all teeth and Jeno doesn't have time to gasp. It's all hands, Donghyuck's hands, on his chest, neck, on the wall, making sure they don't trip. It's them, but not at all, because they don't do this, they don't hook up in the bar's bathroom, they shouldn't even be kissing. 

"But Yan—"

" _Please_ don't talk about Yangyang," Donghyuck pleads, "Fuck him, I'll stop if you want me to, but please don't."

There's pain in Donghyuck's voice, and it breaks all of Jeno's barriers in a second. He's gonna be building their bridges brick by brick, log by log, all night if he has to, just to get Donghyuck to smile again.

"Okay."

Donghyuck slides a hand under Jeno's shirt and smiles against his lips when he feels Jeno's tighten his abdomen, a soft drawn breath leaving through his teeth, landing on Donghyuck's. 

"Okay," Jeno says again, "yeah."

They kiss like it's the last time, and it might as well be. Donghyuck licks into Jeno's mouth, a new world appearing for them. It should be awkward; they didn't even finish their first beer, but the air is just as intoxicating, and all Jeno can feel is _Donghyuck_.

Donghyuck, with his hand roaming Jeno's ribcage, Donghyuck pressing his body against him, Donghyuck molding perfectly to his figure, Donghyuck grinding on him in a public bathroom.

"Donghyuck," Jeno stops Donghyuck's hands, his own body screaming at him, "what's going on?"

"Nothing," Donghyuck replies, star in his eyes and stained lips, "I just felt like it."

"This isn't nothing."

They both look down, bodies pressed against each other, Donghyuck's back against the sink, breathing still erratic. The glint in Donghyuck's eyes is familiar; he wants to be cheeky, respond with more teasing; Jeno understands quickly when they shift, and he realizes Donghyuck's hard, he's hard as well.

"We can stop if you want to," Donghyuck says, hands coming to cup Jeno's cheeks—it's careful, warm, much like weeks ago in Jeno's car, when Jeno realized he was getting himself in more trouble than he thought, "I should've asked you first, I'm sorry."

Jeno tries to think, he does, he likes to think he's not some sex-crazed twenty-year-old virgin, but Donghyuck is hard to resist; having Donghyuck close to him, getting permission to touch him like that, is hard to resist.

" _Here?_ " Is the only thing his body allows Jeno to say. They aren't drunk, and Donghyuck's dorm is ten minutes from the bar; they could just keep it in their pants for another couple of minutes, and it-

"I don't really wanna wait," Donghyuck says, almost as if he was reading Jeno's mind. Jeno's hand comes up to envelop Donghyuck's, a silent reminder that this is real, and it's happening.

"Hyuck," Jeno calls him, eyes looking for Donghyuck's; they stare at each other, honest, raw. Jeno wants to ask; Donghyuck knows it too. Instead, he says, "you're not allowed to ignore me tomorrow."

Donghyuck laughs.

"Of course," he agrees, "cub scout promise."

Jeno wants to roll his eyes.

"I mean it," Jeno says, "we're gonna talk about it later."

Donghyuck averts his staring and focuses on getting Jeno to comply with what they were doing earlier. Instead of replying, he kisses Jeno, close-mouthed and sweet, taking his time, trailing down his jaw until he gets to the sensitive spot under Jeno's ear and receives a little groan in response. It's easy, he sucks on it, and Jeno can feel Hyuck's teeth grasping his skin with a smile from the whimper Jeno let out. 

He knows he should ask; Jeno should stop and make sure they were on the same page. That they know what they are risking and know of each other's feelings. If this is nothing but casual, it's too cruel. Jeno doesn't want casual, but he also wants anything Donghyuck is willing to give.

Except, right now, he doesn't _want_ to ask. Jeno wants to memorize all of Donghyuck's breathing patterns again, how it changes when they go deeper, when Jeno manages to press him against the sink and get him to breathe louder than the screams outside. 

It's weird, like Jeno thought it would be, because it's their first time doing anything like this with each other, and Jeno feels fifteen again, scared of getting caught by his parents for discovering his sexuality. Donghyuck is a big part of his past, but this Donghyuck is grown-up, mature, and he fumbles with Jeno's pants before managing to unzip him. It's funny too, because this is still Donghyuck, and he tells Jeno to remind him to make fun of him later for his horrible banana patterned boxers, and Jeno doesn't even have the bite to reply, he only smiles.

 _Later_. Later means a future, and that's all he could think about. 

This Donghyuck whispers Jeno's name when their mouths part, it's Jeno's name leaving his lips, and Jeno who is making him aroused, no one else. No more hearing about bad dates, unless it's with each other; no more going out with others and questioning if they are the right people. It's them, Jeno and Donghyuck. No one else. 

Donghyuck is all parts of who Jeno is and who he strives to be. He is light, airy, enjoyable even in a cramped bathroom, and when their teeth clink from Hyuck being too eager, his laugh is exhilarating too.

They don't stop kissing, not even when Jeno has to swallow a moan from Donghyuck's hand hovering his pants and reaching the inside of his underwear. Jeno's trapped there, bottom lip between Donghyuck's teeth, Donghyuck's hand wrapping around his dick.

Nothing in the world could prepare Jeno to hear the sound that came out of Donghyuck's mouth, loud, whiny, a request to continue. Jeno gives him the okay, Donghyuck moves his hand. 

It's rough since there's nothing but Donghyuck's raw hand stroking Jeno, but the stinging sends prickles of pleasure down Jeno's back, and he can feel the heat coil in the pit of his stomach. Donghyuck is eager; he takes out his hand and spits on it before going back—it's not perfect, but they kiss, and Jeno can't seem to grasp the idea of them both jacking each other off inside a tiny bathroom.

At the same time as Donghyuck is moving his hand, he's also grinding on Jeno's thigh, and there's a needy sound coming from somewhere—Jeno can't be sure if it's him or Donghyuck. He can't even be sure if he's gonna survive all of this, because Donghyuck is borderline cruel with his movements, speeding up to slow it down, smiling as they kiss, not minding that it's mostly teeth and no tongue anymore. 

"Hyuck," Jeno gasps when Donghyuck doesn't slow down again, snapping his wrist and pressing onto Jeno's body.

"You can go, baby," Donghyuck purrs, and it's all Jeno needs to let go, soiling his underwear and letting out a moan that's stifled by Donghyuck's kisses. 

His vision is blurry when he comes back, and he sees Donghyuck waiting for him, still red cheeks and glassy eyes, like he left him a second ago. 

The place is filthy, and the pungent smell inside the bathroom only gets stronger; Jeno smells like beer, come, and confused feelings. The combination makes him heady, and the beer starts to give him the courage he needs, so he gets back to action.

Jeno drops to his knees, too focused to care about his pants getting dirty on the bathroom floor; all he sees is Donghyuck, tunnel vision getting the best of him. It's messy because they are in a somewhat public space, Jeno has come coating the insides of his thighs, and his hands move to unbuckle Donghyuck's belt, afraid and feeling inexperienced.

It's hard to get Donghyuck out of his pants, mostly because Jeno is still fighting his post-orgasm high, and his brain-melting over the fact they are actually doing this, he's actually there, with Donghyuck.

Donghyuck is hard and red, bordering on uncomfortable to even look at, but he lets Jeno take his time. 

And Jeno does. He kisses the base of Donghyuck's hips, sucks a hickey on his thigh, he breaths near Donghyuck's dick, loving all the weird noises that come out of them, loving how this part doesn't feel weird at all—even if it is in a bathroom of a bar they never went to before.

It might be the only time they'll ever do this, so Jeno savors every minute. He looks up to find Donghyuck has his eyes closed, hiding his face on the crook of his elbow; he can't see his expression, but Jeno can hear him —and he is _loud_ , nothing but heavy breathing and broken moans, and all because of what's going to happen.

Jeno starts slow; he kisses Donghyuck's crotch before finally getting to him, taking Donghyuck in his hands and lapping on the tip to his liking, painfully aware of how hard he already is and how much he wants to finish it off. 

Jeno hears Donghyuck inhale sharply as he takes him to his mouth, feeling his weight against his tongue, the sour taste of precome and sweat mixing in with the cheap beer lingering on both their tongues. He doesn't move much, basking at how Donghyuck twitches inside.

He gives the first experimental bob with his head, hands coming to assist at the base and lips locked to Donghyuck, hollowing his cheeks to help on the suction. He tries to relax his jaw, having a difficult time on the first try but getting it right by the second. There's a hand to his cheek when Jeno gags, but it quickly turns to his hair when Jeno gets back on rhythm, this time harder, demanding, and Donghyuck's thighs clench from all the stimulation. 

He hears Donghyuck curse under his breath, and it's all the motivation he needs to keep going, to apply more pressure, to get Donghyuck to where he wants him to be: right here, with Jeno wrapped around him and having their moans filling up the bathroom.

Jeno can feel it coming with how hard Donghyuck is and how hard he's gripping his hair, so he fastens his pace, serving Donghyuck with the same courtesy he did earlier. 

"Jeno," Hyuck tries to say, "Jeno, I—"

There's a lot of laughter coming from outside the bathroom and that noise quiets down Donghyuck's cry when he comes; even so, Jeno memorizes the sound, a beautiful melody as Donghyuck gets down from his high, breathing erratic and legs shaking.

Jeno takes a few seconds until he can stand up again, Donghyuck helping him with his balance; they look at each other, high passing and leaving two confused boys inside a tiny room. 

"Go on first," Jeno tells Hyuck, "I have to clean myself."

  
  


🎙️

  
  


Since Jeno knows Donghyuck like the back of his hand, he knows Donghyuck will vanish anyway. He did; it was wishful thinking and believing their situation had changed in any form, and if it did, it would probably be for the worse.

Donghyuck, like Jeno had seen countless times before, gets infatuated quickly, loves hard, but never takes the chances with having his heart broken. Donghyuck likes the chase and the thrill of those first months of a relationship, when they're aren't ready to give themselves emotionally yet, and there's still enough interest to keep them going.

He always takes the risk because there's never really a risk to take, there's never enough commitment to get them hung up on each other that soon in the relationship, so it's just fun. 

With Jeno, Donghyuck would never have that. They're past the getting to know each other phase, past the awkward silences, and gone straight to kinship territory—Jeno is part of Donghyuck. They were molded together and can name every single mole on each other's bodies and know every single story from every scar. Jeno isn't meant to be someone to fall in love with; Jeno is the one he comes home to, the one who stays.

So, of course, Jeno knew Donghyuck would vanish. He knows too much of Donghyuck for his own good, but he never expected the events that went down the next day.

"I think Hyuck blocked me," Jeno finds Renjun in the kitchen, taking care of yesterday's dirty dishes that Jeno was supposed to clean, "oh shit, I'm sorry."

He could tell his friend has a speech ready; Jeno can see it as the glint in his eyes fade into confusion about whether he should give Jeno hell for not doing his part of the roommate duties or console his friend.

"I guess today I'll let it slide," Renjun goes back to his dishes, "why do you think that?"

"Because I told him not to disappear," Jeno sits down on one of the kitchen stools, "and I think that's exactly what he's doing, so I need to borrow your phone."

"Ah," Renjun laughs, it's dry and out of disbelief, "you think pressuring him by calling with my number isn't going to drive him away further?"

"I'm freaking out," Jeno already thought about that, and if that's the current case, he's pretty sure their relationship is ruined anyway, "I'm not gonna talk to him; I just want to check something."

Being roommates has its perks, but Jeno hates how he can read it in Renjun's eyes just how much he doesn't approve of this move.

"Yeah," his friend says, "just a second, my phone is in my room."

"I can go get it for you," Jeno offers, his body already turning to face the door. 

"Don't!" Renjun nearly screams, and it startles Jeno. They break their locking eyes when Renjun glances down, red creeping up his neck, "I didn't come home alone last night."

"Oh my god," Jeno still has it in him to smile, eyes almost popping out of their sockets, "who?"

Renjun groans.

"Huang Renjun," Jeno says, "who?"

"Jaemin."

"Jaemin?" Jeno yells and has to dodge the wet sponge Renjun throws at him for it, "I have to see this."

Jeno runs, mind clouded with Donghyuck's words from the other day. _You know they are fucking, right?_ He had always been so perceptive, to the point he managed to catch onto things about Renjun when Jeno, the roommate, didn't. It's funny how the only person he didn't read like a book was the friend he had for most of his life. 

Jeno stops by the door to Renjun's room, realization hitting. 

_Unless._

"Don't fucking do this, you asshole," Renjun pushes him away, opening the door and closing on his face. Jeno's stomach churns, sick when he understands why Donghyuck left the bar yesterday.

Renjun reappears, motions Jeno to be quiet and hands him the phone, then goes back inside. Afraid of what he could hear, Jeno walks back to the kitchen—too preoccupied to even make fun of his friends. 

Jeno dials the number and waits, heart in his hands. The phone rings once. Twice. It doesn't go straight to voicemail; Donghyuck also doesn't answer it.

He saw it coming, it didn't make it any easier. 

🎙️

The first week is strange. 

Jeno keeps thinking he's going to bump into Donghyuck on the hallways, even though their buildings are on different sides of the campus. It's all because he's used to seeing Donghyuck on his part of the campus, since the boy would always stroll around to talk to him, acting as if he belongs.

Donghyuck belongs wherever he wants to, Jeno figures. It's just that now he doesn't want to exist next to Jeno, the way they always had, and they should've talked before, but they didn't. 

Jeno doesn't talk to anyone about it, not even when Renjun cages him inside their home or when Jaemin takes time out of his busy schedule to have lunch with him every day. He appreciates the gestures, but he knows very well how those things usually go.

If Jeno acts hurt and tells his friends about it, they'll have to pick sides, and the last thing he wants is to have anyone leave him or Donghyuck alone—they made that mess, no one else has to suffer except for them. Therefore, Jeno sucks it up and puts on an act, and he's so good at lying now he sometimes convinces himself he's okay with how things turn out.

It's only by the third week when Donghyuck's existence starts to be too much. They still don't see each other, but the first trial with their podcast begins, and Jeno finds himself having a meeting with one of Donghyuck's professors.

Donghyuck doesn't show up, but the man is young and interested in new forms of media to help out their school's communication—a podcast seems a great idea not only because of the inclusivity factor but because they could spread it beyond the university and have it become a staple to their community. He leads up offering to build a site where they could host the transcripts and videos, but that would only be possible if the university added them as a club.

So Jeno gets busy again, everyone does. This time, they have a newfound sense of purpose, and Jeno can't help but think it's all because of Donghyuck. 

They test out every single camera Johnny lent them, Mark makes a jingle to be their intro, and they start creating a buzz between the students—some interested in the prospect of a new club, others wary because of it. They decide to get Chenle and Renjun as hosts, Jeno being more comfortable with producing and editing the show. Some of the radio crew also joins in on the chaos, handing out any speck of experience they might have that might be useful.

They test out some formats and themes; Jaemin is invited to talk about med school and the hurdles of it, Chenle talks about the taboo of switching majors, Mark gets to gush about music with some of his department buddies, and Renjun reads and answers questions people leave on their social media.

They don't read out the first script Jeno wrote; he doesn't have the courage to ask for the opinions of others when he knows the only one he wants to hear isn't talking to him. Donghyuck doesn't stop by when they are in meetings anymore, and Jeno doesn't even know if the boy is aware they are pushing through with the project. 

Editing is harder than Jeno thought it would be—and he already thought it would be hard in the first place, so he spends most of his downtime with the film club, bothering anyone he can come in contact with to help him out with the software. 

Weeks turn into the first month without Donghyuck, and Jeno is scared of opening his Facebook because he knows Johnny will have texted, maybe sent some pictures, and he doesn't want to lie to him. He also can't tell Johnny he's completely in love with his son, and that they might've ruined everything before really starting, so Jeno decides to delete the app from his phone.

Going home also turns out to be a challenge; Jeno and Donghyuck live pretty close by. He knows if he decides to visit, they'll gather both families, so he invites himself to spend the holiday with Jaemin—giving Donghyuck the space they might need. 

"Do you want me to set you up with someone?" Jaemin asks when they are at his house, "maybe you need a rebound."

"Shut up, Jaemin," Renjun snaps, voice coming from the computer. 

Donghyuck hangs out with Mark and Jisung a lot, from what Jeno can deduce—both boys becoming strangely tense while talking about any recent story that might've happened with them. Jaemin and Renjun also hang out with Donghyuck from time to time, although less frequently—Renjun being Jeno's roommate makes things awkward between them, and Jaemin keeps following Renjun's decisions because he's too tired most of the time after cramming for his classes. 

After an entire month, Jeno thought he would feel better or that maybe Donghyck would've come around, and they would be building their relationship back to what it was. 

Jeno feels like it's the exact opposite, and, even when he's trying his best not to show, he feels like shit. He starts to get glimpses of Donghyuck from time to time. Sometimes it's his voice on a video sent to a group chat, a post from someone else on social media, or his name in a story that happened while Jeno wasn't around. 

The real Donghyuck doesn't appear, and it's not out of lack of effort on Jeno's part because he looks for the boy. He takes walks that end up in Donghyuck's side of town, hoping he would get to see him and they would talk. 

For the first time, Jeno tries without anyone to cheer him on. Donghyuck is worth it all, so he sucks it up and tries to create a chance for them. 

After two days of trying, Jaemin calls him out. 

"I don't want to be mean," Jaemin says, "but maybe you should stop that."

"Stop what?"

"The hanging around where you know Hyuck stays," Jaemin explains, "he doesn't want to see you."

The pieces of his heart look like grains by now, and Jeno doesn't know what to do. He keeps it all inside a jar, hoping maybe one day he'll get to do something with it. And by the time the podcast is almost all set up, Jeno gives up completely.

He trains himself to not think about Donghyuck—which is problematic because his memories are plagued with his laughter. And he forces himself to create new environments, exploring places in the city they haven't been together, meeting with peers Donghyuck doesn't know. 

It starts slowly and then all at once. As soon as Jeno thinks he might be moving on, he catches sight of the news. 

Jisung lets it slip that Donghyuck might be seeing someone, never sharing details and becoming red as soon as he realizes what he said. Mark talks about a basketball game he saw with Donghyuck, and it only furthers Jeno's suspicions. The final hit comes from no one other than Renjun, who comes home one day with pain in his eyes and fear in his voice, and tells Jeno he has to let go once and for all, "you need to live your life too."

And then, he sees him. 

Donghyuck is pretty as ever, with bright smiles and hearty laughter, cheeky behavior Jeno can see from afar. He sits in the campus' garden, books sprawled on a tablecloth, chatting and doing his work. He doesn't acknowledge Jeno when their gazes meet, and Jeno stays there for a second, wishing Donghyuck would look back in his direction once again. 

He doesn't. Jeno goes away. 

Yangyang is another case entirely, and Jeno doesn't even know where to begin with him. If Jeno's having problems with his childhood best friend, he sure has them with his acquaintance as well. Which is weird because, throughout the weeks, Yangyang starts to pop up on his radar more and more, and he's friendly, cordial, and always leaves with a smile on his face.

And he doesn't understand how he can be so casual about it, because Jeno would want to throw up at the sight of Yangyang, and he was only fake dating the boy they were in this entire mess with. Why isn't Yangyang showing the same courtesy?

"I don't think they're dating," Renjun tells him one night, "I'm pretty sure Yangyang is seeing this new guy from the dance department."

Jeno stops his train of thought, wanting to scream. 

"Then what was that 'you have to live your life' bullshit?"

"It's not bullshit," Renjun tells him, "Donghyuck is living his life, he's trying out new things, and you're just here moping around and hoping we don't catch onto it."

That night, Jeno let it all consume him. He breaks down and tells Renjun to never let anyone know about it, not even Jaemin. They talk about it all, and when morning comes, they decide to never speak of it again. 

Jeno feels like a ghost. He's a shell of a person, and he can't help but feel he's stupid. Everything could've been easily prevented if he only saw all the warning signs inside his head and if he heard all of them from his friends. 

It's not entirely his fault, and he knows it. There are always two people in a relationship, and Donghyuck is to blame for them not communicating correctly, as well. Still, Jeno can't help but feel stupid, inadequate, unworthy of his position in the podcast if he can't even talk things out with the person who spent most of his life beside him.

The only thing that goes smoothly is the podcast, and it's not because of Jeno. Everyone puts in the work so they can make it right, and even Chenle gets Jisung to stop coming by to disturb their peace while they are working—when Jisung comes, it's because he's interested in helping out, and he's quickly added to the team. 

They rehearse it a few thousand takes before trying to record it, the pressure of only having radio experience getting to them. The first times are horrible, too formal, and uptight for a safe space like their podcast. 

So they move everything to Jeno and Renjun's living room, getting all the crew to sit on their sofa or floor, and they talk it out. The brainstorming session turns out to be better than whatever they could've scripted, so they decide to just roll with it in the end. 

Chenle is over the moon with that new idea, and everyone is on board quickly. Instead of wrapping it up and starting the next day again, they decide to put the camera on the tripod and record it all without any filter.

It's crazy how Jeno feels like things couldn't have gone any better if it was rehearsed, even with all the thousand scripts they have created for it. All it took was some bullet points, the right environment, good people to lean on, and communicative hosts. Knowing not only what to talk about but how and why to talk is essential, and they could've only done it because the crew was together. After all, they expressed their concerns and voiced their opinions.

And the recording went great. Every time they finalized one bullet point, Jeno's heart grew fonder and wider. Would it be harder to add transcripts to the podcast because it wasn't scripted? Yes, but it's also genuine, and if Jeno can provide something with that quality but suffer a little more along the way, he's happy to do it. 

"You look a little better," Renjun tells Jeno when they finish recording and every person on the crew has already left their apartment.

Jeno yawns, "yeah, I guess I am," he checks the time, "are you staying in tonight?"

Renjun checks his watch and almost screams when he realizes he's late. With a hurried bag, a sock almost falling out of his pocket, and a kiss on Jeno's cheek, Renjun goes out to spend the night at Jaemin's place, and Jeno has the apartment all to himself.

Jeno feels at peace, his broken heart not bothering anymore. Hence, he opens up his backpack, getting his one copy of the script he created for the first episode, and he heads to the camera set on the living, turning it on and pressing record again. 

"Hi, Donghyuck," Jeno starts, looking at the camera, "we need to talk."

🎙️

Things don't change right away, but it's mostly because of Jeno this time. 

It takes Jeno a week to be able to send the file to Donghyuck. It takes Donghyuck two weeks to answer.

The answer comes through a text, and Jeno almost deletes right away because as soon as he realized Donghyuck had blocked him, he deleted his number from his phone, afraid of doing something stupid if he ever got drunk enough. So as soon as he remembers the possibility of who it could be, Jeno's heart soars from his chest.

Unknown  
  
are you free today?  
  


The question is simple, and it still makes Jeno wonder. Being nonchalant never worked with them, at least not with Jeno, so he answers as quickly as possible, not caring about how it looks. The very first problem they have is caring about their perception; Jeno should've had more faith in himself before. 

So they agree to meet, and Jeno doesn't tell anyone, not even Renjun, because he isn't sure how it all is going to go, and he's not ready to have concerned eyes waiting for him the moment he heads home. The storm in his chest is his to own, and he does so alone. There's no 'hoping Donghyuck would be nice' this time; Jeno doesn't wait for those fortunate chances; he prepares his heart and everything he's supposed to say. 

Donghyuck meets Jeno at the library, the older boy already being there when he got to the building. It takes Donghyuck a few minutes until he can approach Jeno, so they sit at different tables, eyes glued to each other. It's awkward, and it's still them, because they know each other, and Jeno can see everything inside Donghyuck's eyes.

Jeno doesn't pry; he lets the boy take his time, even if the suspense is eating him alive. Donghyuck tries a smile; it feels forced. Jeno responds to it late because he's trying not to overthink those situations, and it backfires when his mind goes blank. 

After a few minutes, Donghyuck overtakes those last feet between them and sits on the other side of Jeno's table. 

Up close, Jeno can inspect Donghyuck better. He's still just as beautiful, eyes darker than night and molten skin that looks pretty any time of day. His moles are still in the same places Jeno left them, and he carries a heavy air with him. 

Donghyuck is scared.

This time, he doesn't have to say he is; Jeno can see it in him. His shoulders are slouched, and eyes are desperately looking for answers in Jeno's expression. Donghyuck is scared, and Jeno is making him feel that way.

Jeno hates that feeling. 

"I'm sorry," Donghyuck says, "I freaked out."

"I know," Jeno replies, "I figured that much."

The idea of making it a video came from the need to explain himself without putting Donghyuck in a tight spot. They had been together for the better part of their lives, so Jeno can understand it's hard not to give in to each other if the other came to talk—Jeno would've done the same. Familiarity is both a blessing and a curse when used that way; Jeno loves his friend Donghyuck, he also doesn't like his crush Donghyuck at all right now. 

He made the video, talked to the camera in the same fashion he would've talked to the boy, and told him everything.

Jeno started talking about that script, going back to their childhood, and honestly, the video is nothing but a chaotic dump of Jeno's ramblings. He needed Donghyuck to know he's been harboring those feelings for years now, and they flourished, and Jeno backtracked, and nothing of that part is Donghyuck's fault. 

It isn't, at least not at that point. It takes one person to develop a crush, and it can be on a complete stranger, a colleague in class, or on his best friend of more than fifteen years. When Jeno first realized he was in love, he denied it to the world, and doing so created this feeling inside him, a looming sense of dread as he thought about the directions they could go after it. 

He hid all the words he wanted to say from Donghyuck, stored them in a little box, and when that box became too small for them, Jeno bought others. He kept them growing like a shameful secret he couldn't tell the only person he wanted to. 

And doing so, he drifted away from his best friend. Jeno hasn't been his true self with Donghyuck for months, and he hasn't seen Donghyuck for who he is just as long, if not longer. They got comfortable with the versions they knew of each other, and Donghyuck learned how to play his part too. In this part of their story, both of them are at fault. 

Just as Jeno started to create an image in his head, Donghyuck didn't try to reach out—they concocted together, their feelings being projected onto each other, manipulated as they liked, without even realizing. Of course Jeno would've agreed to Donghyuck's plans; he's _Jeno_ —he always agrees to Donghyuck's plans. Donghyuck didn't try to rationalize that part, not even when Renjun started giving him stank eyes, not even when he saw the confusion in Jeno's eyes. 

And Donghyuck started to become confused too. For the longest time, Jeno was his rock, the one who would always be there for him, his family. So when that familiarity transcended into romantic gestures, it was exciting—seeing Jeno in a new light was exciting, Donghyuck likes new experiences. Although, he never was quite sure if he liked the butterflies because it was Jeno or if he wanted to like them because it was him. 

And there was Yangyang too. Pretty, bright, a sense of humor so close to Donghyuck's they sometimes make the same jokes. He makes Donghyuck scared too, in different ways from Jeno. He wanted the boy's attention, and as soon as he got it back, he wanted Jeno. 

But he liked Yangyang; Donghyuck knew as much. The crush he has on the boy is strong enough to make him do stupid things, and Jeno would tell him he has a case of the Dumb Love, and he's probably right about it. 

Liking Jeno isn't in Donghyuck plans, and it scares him when it happens. It scares him when holding hands stop being about getting another boy to notice him, and only starts being about touching his best friend—making sure he's there with him, making sure he's paying attention. 

Donghyuck always had Jeno's undivided attention, a friendly kind of attention. When they start spending time together going on dates, when Donghyuck lets himself see Jeno in all those situations, it gets him wondering. And Donghyuck wonders about things he shouldn't care about his best friend; how does Jeno look when he kisses, how he sounds when he comes—Donghyuck wanted to find all of that out.

And Donghyuck did; he crosses those barriers, he lets Jeno cross them too, and it's messy, it's fun, and it sends Donghyuck on a spiral when he realizes he might be interested in two boys. 

He tries to distance himself. Donghyuck doesn't think he'll ever be able to think straight if Jeno's by his side while he tries to put his thoughts in order; Jeno is his personal cheerleader, the one who helps him out when he has a problem, who has Donghyuck in his heart all the time, and it's really not fair to Jeno when Donghyuck has been having conflicted thoughts about them. 

So he goes away when he realizes he trampled through everyone's heart, including his own. Donghyuck danced around all night and forgot to take his date home at the end, leaving Jeno hanging to collect his own pieces. 

He also doesn't go to Yangyang initially, trying to assess what his heart has been trying to tell him, but he does at the end. It's impossible to ignore Yangyang like he did with Jeno, because he's in his department, and they have classes together. However, he does keep it strictly in the platonic realm, scared of what he might find if he takes the next step.

Yangyang really _is_ nice, just like Jeno said. He gives Donghyuck his space, and they only hang out with other people involved. By the end of the month, he's nothing but a new friend, and Donghyuck feels stupid.

The recording comes as a surprise, it is sent to Donghyuck's college email, and the pain in his heart when he sees Jeno smile is greater than whatever he's been feeling all that month. More than anything, he misses his best friend. 

"I think I owe you an apology," Jeno tells him in the video, "for all these months and for the time I ate your pudding and put the blame in your dog."

Donghyuck doesn't want an apology; he thinks he's the one who should be making one, but he hears him out anyway. He hears as Jeno talks about their childhood, as he calls out Donghyuck's behavior when they were kids, and he talks about the ever-growing distance between them, caused by Jeno. 

Donghyuck doesn't agree with every topic, but just as he hadn't agreed with the best friend pact when they were twelve, he laughs along anyway. And he makes sure to add his name to the blame as well. 

By the end of the video, Donghyuck is still confused, and he's sure by now he won't have his answers. Jeno had years of realization coming down at him over months; Donghyuck had a few weeks. 

Bothered by the dark circles under Jeno's eyes, he agrees to meet him, and now they are sitting at the library, awkward silence and confused feelings. 

"I owe you an apology too," Donghyuck tells him, "I'm sure you know that too."

Jeno smiles, but it's sad, and it breaks Donghyuck's heart.

"I don't want to fake things with you," Donghyuck tells him, "and we started faking things and hoping they're real, and I want you to know I wanted them to be real, Jeno."

Jeno doesn't tell him anything. Just as Jeno had his moment with the video, this is Donghyuck's time to say to him everything he wants to.

"But I was terrified. We don't talk about things like this; that has never been our thing. We go out, we have fun, and we leave each other by the end of the night, except I don't want that, and I want a lot of things with you, but I also don't know if I can do all of that, because I'm pretty sure I also like someone else, and it's not fair to you."

The words come out fast, and they take all of Jeno's breath, his lungs being emptied out as soon as Donghyuck stops talking. He can hear the panic in Donghyuck's voice, and he wants to laugh, it hurts, but he wants to laugh. So much for the poetic justice he's been looking for.

So he chuckles, only because he can't help himself, and Donghyuck feels offended with Jeno's reaction. 

"I've been in love with you for a huge chunk of my life, Donghyuck," Jeno admits, "but I don't think I'm fair to you."

"I don—"

"I don't think you're fair to me either," Jeno finishes, eyes glued to his best friend, the one person he loves disastrously. 

Donghyuck doesn't add to their conversation, but he nods to Jeno's realization, reaching an impasse. 

"I don't think we've been fair to each other, and these few months were a trainwreck from both our parts. I haven't looked at you past my crush for I can't even tell how long, and fuck, how have you been? I hope you're doing well."

This time Donghyuck chuckles too, disbelief breathing leaving his soul, "I haven't been doing well," he says, bright colors returning to him, "I think I like this boy, but it's tough when he's around."

"Stop liking him," Jeno says and Donghyuck's face falls.

"Why?"

"Because he's not ready," Jeno tells him, "and he's a real mess right now, there's this podcast? And he doesn't know how to edit all that well, so he's in a time crunch."

"Oh yeah," Donghyuck says, "I've seen some of it because of Mark, and it's becoming good. Jaemin's struggles aren't supposed to be funny, but I laughed so much when he talked about not sleeping and fainting with the sight of blood."

Jeno laughs too; Jaemin has a way of making everything a little bit more dramatic, and it's hilarious to him.

But it's true. And Jeno needs to build up to their friendship again before he can even try anything with Donghyuck. He put his friend on a pedestal, refused to talk to him, and crush his own fantasies; he needed to start over. He owes it Donghyuck to start over and see him for who he is again. 

"Bu—"

"Donghyuck, I like you," Jeno finally manages to say, heart thumping away in his ribcage. There should be nothing to fear when they are already knee-deep in this mess, but Jeno notices Donghyuck's scared eyes and he's sure he's going to faint, "but I don't want to date you."

Jeno had a lot of time to think; Donghyuck made sure of that, and that's the only way he can think that won't end up with both their hearts crushed. 

"You don't?"

"Not like this," Jeno adds, sure he's going to regret those words in the middle of the night, because Donghyuck looks dejected, "I think we need more time, I think we should start again and build back slowly."

It takes Donghyuck a minute to understand what he's trying to say. The library is deserted, and he's sure the librarian is trying to eavesdrop on their conversation. 

As much as Donghyuck wants Jeno in late-night rides and his hand in his again, he understands where the boy is coming from. It makes sense, and he agrees to it because it's them, and because he knows Jeno is coming back to him at the end of the day.

"How do you want to do this?"

"We take it slow," Jeno says, "we go back to being friends, and start from there."

"Do you think it will be awkward?"

"Is this awkward now?"

"Not really."

"Yeah," Jeno confesses, "I think we're kinda past all that awkward phases, whether we want them or not."

Donghyuck agrees; he wants to reach out and takes Jeno's hand, only because he's tired of talking and he wants to convey his emotions some other way. He doesn't, choosing to give the boy the space they need, but it eats him alive not doing so.

"So, what do we do now?" He asks.

Jeno smiles, "we could go eat," he suggests, "or wait for the first snow, or maybe find a dog so you can get bitten again."

Donghyuck rolls his eyes, but smiles back, "you're ridiculous," he says, "but we could go eat."

Jeno stands up, gathering his stuff, "cool, where to?"

"I know this coffee shop where they serve breakfast at midnight."

"Sounds great," Donghyuck laughs, "let's go."

It's not perfect, they take their time figuring things out, and Jeno finally finds himself looking at Donghyuck. Just Donghyuck and his devilish ways, his bright smile, and his flawed behavior; Donghyuck finds in Jeno his friend back, and someone else entirely, someone he wants to meet. It's never going to be perfect because Jeno knows too much about Donghyuck, and he knows the boy used to wet the bed until he was ten, and Donghyuck knows Jeno drools a lot when he sleeps. They use it against themselves, but this time it's all out in the open, and it's their friendship again, and when it starts being something else, they talk about it. 

Jeno finds the time to get back to his podcast, and it consumes him. It's good either way because he gets positive feedback from the students, even if the university is still against it. He finally gets Donghyuck to see and hear his things without any problem—and that's everything he's been wanting to do anyway. 

Somewhere along those years, Jeno and Donghyuck find themselves growing together and apart; it's a cycle in which they are aware now, and they can call it out when needed. They talk to each other, and it's not always comfortable, but it's required. 

When Jeno starts to feel self-conscious again, he looks for Donghyuck. When Donghyuck needs a pep-talk, he looks for Jeno. Late-nights are reserved for each other, and they spend most of it catching up on what the other might've missed. Jeno keeps walking backwards, because Donghyuck is horrible at it, and he keeps getting himself hurt—Jeno has the experience, and he knows how to land softly on the ground by now. 

Nothing goes back to the way they were because it improves. Jeno becomes the version of himself in which he can finally see Donghyuck for who he is; Donghyuck doesn't shy away from his feelings anymore, even when he has problems with them. They look for each other, and when the time is right again, Donghyuck asks the question he had asked once before.

Only now there's no catch, no pact, now it's real. 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments make my day, consider making me happy 🥺🥺  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/toojuns)  
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End file.
